What I am about to write here is profound. If you have landed on this article, you are going to find an introduction to emotional freedom. You won't need to worry about just resolving conflict with an ex-spouse. What I'm about to offer up here is a way to shut out conflict entirely.
Like many of you, I grew up in a competitive world. A world where you attained credibility by the initials before or after your name. Success was measured by how big your house was, your college education, how nice your clothes were, your trophy spouse. Those were the rules, I accepted them like most everyone I knew. Everything was a competition to see who could be faster, smarter, the winner. Winning's not everything, it's the only thing. Who doesn't know that famous Vince Lombardi quote? The dude was talking about football. But we applied it to our everyday lives. And in our everyday lives, winning generally means someone has to lose? Doesn't it? That's the breeding ground of conflcit.
Two years ago, I was a very competitive person. I had to win, to be smarter and brighter than everyone else. But in doing so, I angered a lot of folks. Oh, sure I got the biggest house, the biggest truck, the biggest motorcycle. But I accumulated a lot of emotional baggage and resentments along the way. They weighed heavy on me. So heavy in fact, I was virtually incapable of being happy. I had simply angered too many folks and that little lynch mob I had built would tear me down and eventually set me free. I began to search for a way to shut all that anger and noise out. I did.
What happened to me was miraculous. I came to understand that every conflict I had was because of me and how I chose to see things. Choice is the operative word here. Perception is every thing. I had accepted the premise that conflict was inevitable because I was a "victim." I was simply trying to succeed. Then it struck me. Every conflict in my life was my fault. Each and every one of them, to a lesser or higher degree. I had decided to engage in them simply to impose my will, control and ego and when I lost, well that made me a victim, didn't it? And as I lost, I tried to win next time and I ratcheted and one upped myself into some miserable places. Conflict. War plans in my head. A miserable existence. So how did I shut it off and get emotional freedom? Ok, I'll tell you exactly what I did. It was hard work and I won't be able to explain everything in detail because I simply don't have the time or space here. You must trust me. I had only one goal, period. Happiness.
I decided to throw out all the beliefs I had and start from scratch. I accepted 100% responsiblity for everything I did. I no longer would be a victim nor would I victimize anyone else. I recognized that my ego was to blame. That false sense of self that had to be right,smarter, faster. I threw it out, also. Complete recognition. Everything became a choice. I could choose to get angry or not. I could choose to be fearful or not. I no longer had to try and control anything. I reduced expectation to nil. I no longer projected a bad future therefore I did not have to make counter attack plans. Time and time again, I rejected fear and anger until they became minimal. I accepted as truth that people are just trying to live their lives, that they really aren't out to hurt or destroy me. They are simply trying to do the best they can armed with whatever tools that were instilled in them. I quit making assumptions. I quit judging people. I didn't forgive them because that required a judgment from me that they had done something wrong to begin with. An opinion. I threw out all of the old rules. Material possessions never made me happy, not for long. i threw their existence or non existence out as a measurement of happiness. I emerged a new man. Completely free of all the chains that ever bound me. It took me 7 months of hard work and a strict adherence and commitment to applying these rules everyday and making the right choice every time I opened my mouth. The selfless choice. I don't have conflicts anymore. There is simply no need to. I chose a better way.
So what is a day like for me now? I am grateful for everything I have. Clean clothes, my health, my dog, what possessions that I have. I no longer play by the rules. When someone says something damaging or something meant to diminish me, I have instant recognition of it. I do not launch a counterattack. I simply accept that the other person is just trying to live their life above everything else. They are simply fearful, resentful, no different than I was two years ago. I have harnessed my ego and where I would lash out with anger I now respond with love. Because the only thing that seperates us is that I learned something I didn't even know existed. It all started with me and how I chose to see the world. Now when I get up in the morning, I look in that mirror and say, the biggest problem I am going to have all day-is looking back at me. People don't attack me much anymore. They are happy to see me because I am happy. Funny how this works.
Resolving conflicts with your ex-spouse? Accept all the blame, really it won't hurt. Accept that they are just trying to live their lives and trying to control the outcome. It is always internal fear that drives it. Instilled years ago. Accept it. You can spend all of your life fighting, winning, losing, crying, kicking, and screaming. Or you can gain acceptance and control over yourself. It's a choice, really it is.
Two years ago, had you told me what emotional freedom was, I would have told you-you were an idiot. I was clueless. In fact, my best friend asked what happened to me, I had changed he said. When I tried it to explain it to him, he told me I was an idiot. I just smiled. For some reason, I felt no urge to launch a counterattack. No need for a conflict, not anymore.