by Natasha Ooh

Created on: January 03, 2009

Mother dearest there is one thing i wish to tell you but i know i cannot: i can't trust you. I enter the final phases of being a teenager and when i most desire a mother i can't find her. Where is she hidden? Somewhere beneath the hard, detached, lying exterior is the human. Somewhere beneath the shallow, conforming exterior is the insecure heart. Logically i know that. I do love you mother, that's easy enough to say. I loved you when you left my father, and i loved you when you took us to the beach to escape the house; i love the way you grew my understanding of life through lamenting on your own mistakes. I love the way you protected my brother through thick and thin and gradually credited my existence in shielding him from the tormentor. But deep down, way down in the pit of my gut i wonder. Through all twenty seven moves not once have i doubted you and your place as mum. It seems strange as i age that i do so now, yet i can't help it. The distrust festers in me, every time you lie it growns another branch. One day it'll become a tree and i would have to tell you how i distrust you, but i know i can't..not yet.

You scare me mum. It's as simple as that. Oh not with the violence of daddy dearest, but close enough. When you do things you criticise others for.. it scares me. Do you understand why you do it or say it? Everytime you talk continually of men, you scare me. You lie. You say no one could ever affect us again and yet you always fall deludedly for another young toy. The latest lives with us... Do you understand that? Now he's my brother. I love him as that. Another brother, and yet even with his rejections you still drool on his words, his actions. You place them above our lives and that scares me. You appear so hard and wise and yet as another man comes you fall again into the dark place of slaving for another man. So easily drawn. It scares me that when my brother and i leave hope that you'll fall for the wrong toy boy. That one again might take advantage. I guess i should trust yoou when you say that it won't happen again. But i can't.

Do you realise i don't want you to die? You never seem to contemplate that when you assure use that you're going to commit suicide when we go to university. That you feel your role as a mother dies as soon as we leave. How can i trust you when you tell everyone you're going to commit suicide without us. Do you not feel guilty? Father did that, turned everything to the extent it made everyone feel guilty around them...

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>