by Darian Jamieson

Created on: January 02, 2009

Acquiring humor isn't as simple as learning how to tell a joke or how to pull off the perfect prank. Humor is something that is innately part of a personality. It is possible due to a lack of self-consciousness, good timing and keen observation of the strange oddities of life.

Therefore, if you want to acquire humor, go to Clown College. First get a very large loan to pay for tuition, text books and residence fees. Tell your parents you're in Law school so that they chip in their fair share. Don't feel bad about any of this since having a conscience isn't very funny.

Humor 101 will teach you how to evoke Guffaws and Hee Haws from about 85% of the human population through knock knock jokes and one liners. Your most practical tools are your snappy suspenders, honking horn and giant pants. Using your own bodily noises will be a resource that will prove itself tried and true for many years during your studies and beyond.

In Clown College you will learn that as a humorous person, it is your duty to have a snappy comeback for absolutely everything that is said in your presence. This holds true for every occasion and is steadfast whether or not you have any idea of what to say. If your mailman says "Good Morning, how are you today", it is your professional duty to respond with something in the range of ' No use complainin' since no one listens anyway". If someone approaches you inquisitively you must greet them with a phrase as cunning as " What can I do you for?'

When greeting your colleagues, however it is a common courtesy to recognize that they are an unwilling, daily captive audience so you should keep your greeting to a reliable " Working hard or hardly working?" Wide grins and knee slaps are expected. Use the phrase " Did I ever tell you about the time" even if you're telling them about a report you've just finished. " Did I ever tell you about the time I finished the report you asked me to do this morning? Well here it is buddy!" is a much funnier thing to say than " here is the report that you required today sir. I hope it meets your expectations". The person who says such an unhumorous thing to the boss, is not someone who will climb up the ladder quickly. Also, for the motivated comedian, bring your own "corporate step-ladder" to work each day and climb it in the presence of your boss. " Hey, boss. I'm climbing the ladder! or " I'm giving myself a raise".

Clown College is the absolute only way to acquire humor. Approximately 92% of the population over 18 years old has attended Clown College. This is sometimes kept as a secret in such similar a manner as rhinoplasty patients who pretend that their noses have always been so slight. " I have always been this funny, you just haven't noticed before because... you've been working hard or hardly working! Honk Honk".

Congratulations on your decision to acquire humor. May your long, hilarious anecdotes, witticisms and puns, delight many a future dinner guest during your quest to improve the world we live in.

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