by Bobby Brown

Created on: January 01, 2009   Last Updated: December 04, 2010

 We've all heard the homage "never say never". This advice can apply equally to personal behavior inside an elevator and any other location a person may choose. For example, it may be perfectly alright for you to strip down to your birthday suit in an elevator, certain conditions notwithstanding.
 
I would, however, like to emphasize the fact that there are certain etiquette issues that I'm sure Emily Post would agree to. (Were she around to grant her consent.) There are the "usual suspects" : miasmic flatulence, burping with the enthusiasm of a suicidal jihadist, and fervent halitosis but what of the finer issues?

For starters, let's talk about proper elevator attire. I have a T-shirt that reads "No, White Lady: I Don't Want Your Purse!" I've never worn it in an elevator, but I did wear it to church- once. To be clear I always remove that shirt or turn it inside out before entering the elevator car depending on the mood that I'm in. Other shirts not to be worn in elevator are shirts with slogans such as "Terrorist in Training", "Elevator Weight Limit Enforcement Officer: Take the Stairs, Fatso!" None of those are elevator appropriate attire. Granted, there is a huge (and by huge I do mean morbidly obese) need for  Elevator Weight Limit Enforcement Officers, but wearing a T-Shirt that says such is just offensive. Fat people have enough problems as it is. Besides the last thing anyone wants is to have an encounter with a raging pachyderm; Fat people deserve at least that much respect.  Parachutes, though funny in most circumstances, have a tendency to send the wrong message inside an elevator. I usually leave mine at home-it doesn't make a lot of sense to have one for rides of less than five stories anyway if you really think about it.
 
It's wrong to decide that you have some kind of mental illness moments before you get on the elevator. We don't want to deal with your schizophrenia and ours  at the same time! Do us all a favor (especially me) and take the stairs, or escalator if you intend on suffering from ADD, bipolar disorder, cannibalism, megalomania or other dementias. If you have or think you might have claustrophobia, acrophobia or sursumdeorsumphobia (fear of elevators) it's the stairs for you or a cyanide pill for me-and I'm fresh out of cyanide pills! Save your psychotic episodes for your shrink, not for my elevator! Thanks. Should you experience an erection that last more than four hours it would be

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