by Margaret Jamal

Created on: December 31, 2008

As the hands of time wave good bye to the previous year, the holidays melt into a lake that is reserved for distant memories. These memories swim around in the heads of those who are single, producing waves of loneliness. The waves of loneliness are occasionally stirred by seeing others engaged in post holiday relationships.

I believe that the cures for loneliness are as unique and personal as those who experience it. Because of this, I doubt that anyone could offer a one size fits all cure for loneliness. At the same time, I believe that learning about the success of others can encourage hope.

Post holiday loneliness lurks in the murky waters of anxious singles, waiting for the most opportune time to emerge. This loneliness is nothing new, but is especially felt at the height of vulnerability during the lows after the holidays. As the holidays subside, single people are left to dwell on trying to find answers for why they feel lonely. Post holiday reflections provoke honest probing that had been avoided for a good part of the previous 365 days. I was able to muster the courage to ask myself what had floated around in my mind for much of the year, "why doesn't anyone want me?"

My own experience made me aware that the most challenging hurdle to overcome was feeling that my loneliness was the result of being unwanted. I realized that feeling unwanted was the substance that fed my loneliness. Singles battle this issue because people assume that being single is evidence of being unwanted. Well meaning advisors even encourage singles that the perfect mate will come along if they just stay positive, and so on and so forth.

My relief from feeling unwanted began unexpectedly one holiday season. I was asked by my mother to celebrate Christmas day differently than we usually did. She had some small toys and personal items that had been donated to the church's food pantry. She had us to wrap them up and help her load them in a shopping cart that was used by a homeless person who often came around the church for hot meals.

Our family got so caught up in preparing the packages to give that some of the younger children even offered to give their own presents away. As we went to different apartment homes in the urban community around the church, I was made aware of the dire condition of so many other families. Each family that we visited showed such appreciation that my heart had no room to entertain feelings of loneliness for myself. I realized that I could participate in this type of giving, in some capacity all year round. I had found my place in the lives of others where I was needed and wanted.

Finding ways to make a difference for others is my proven method for erasing the emptiness that comes with not feeling wanted. After finding fulfillment through helping others, I also found that I became more attractive to others in general. People began to invite me to their projects, events and into their lives. There was purpose and fullness in my life that I had not known before.

After that, my post holiday concerns were not for myself but for others. I was even blessed with a wonderful mate. The right one proposed, and was well worth the wait. He would later tell me how much he was attracted to my giving nature. You might be able to imagine how glad I was to have developed that quality in myself.

There is a vast world of opportunity to be needed and wanted. My suggestion for curing post holiday loneliness for singles is to take advantage of having the freedom and time to help others.

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