by Brandy Fee

Created on: January 20, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

When you put the words "divorce" and "children" together, there are no easy answers. Divorce is hard enough for the parents, and often times, the children's emotions are forgotten about. There is always someone who places blame in the divorce, someone who is more hurt than the other, someone who wasn't expecting it or didn't want it. During the war of divorce there are a few things to remember where your children are concerned.

1. Always remind your children that your divorce is in NO WAY thier fault. Often times, especially young children, don't understand that Mommy and Daddy just don't want to be married anymore. They do not see the individualness of their parents, but only see the family unit. They are sure that there is something they could have done better to stop Mommy or Daddy from leaving. It is a good idea to sit down with your children, BOTH OF YOU, and try your best, without placing blame on anyone, to explain what divorce is and that it is what you are doing.

2. Reassure your child that both of you love him or her more than anything. Remember that no matter how your spouse feels about you, they still love your children. Never leave room for your child to doubt that.

3. Remember that YOU are getting a divorce, your child is NOT. Do not limit the time that your child spends with the other parent due to your own selfishness or anger. DO NOT MAKE YOUR CHILD CHOOSE. A child has the RIGHT to love both parents and have a relationship with each parent without interference from the other. There is nothing worse than being a child stuck in the middle between two hateful parents. Talking bad about the other parent is harmful in more ways than one... if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Remember not to blame ANYONE, your child will always remember whose fault it was for the divorce.

4. Spend time together. Your child, weather 5 or 15 is going to need a little bit more attention from you. Even if they deny it, try to push you away, don't forget the little things. Cook a meal together, go out for a coke, go to the park. Don't forget that your child is hurting too.

5. Seek counseling. I can't tell you how important this is... especially for children over the age of 5. It may not be obvious how confused they are... but it is there. Don't wait until they are older and become unstable, help them deal with it from the start.

6. Work together. As parents your children are your utmost priority. Your own selfishness, resentment, and anger must be pushed aside when dealing with your children. IF you find that you are having trouble with this, seek counseling for yourself. Too many times parents divorce and then want nothing more to do with eachother; when you decided to have children you made that impossible. There will be school functions, holidays, and social activities. Nothing hurts a child more at these times to look up from the stage and not see a parent's face. Always communicate, let the other parent know when and what is going on.

Again, the most important thing... remember that you and your spouse chose divorce, your child did not. It is your responsibility to see to the emotional, physical, and mental welfare of your child.

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