by R. Colleen

Created on: December 31, 2008

There are still some men who tell me the role of their wife is to cook, clean the house, have the babies and take care of everybody's needs. Others are more than happy to have her bringing in a paycheck but they still expect her to do all the other stuff, including taking time off of HER job if one of the kids are sick and getting up in the middle of the night. SHE cooks the meals and cleans the house and HE usually takes out the trash and does the yard work. SHE does the laundry and HE makes the majority of the money. SHE bathes the kids and gets them ready for bed while HE sits in his favorite chair and reads the newspaper. At the end of a long day, he's ready for some lovin' and fully expects her to be just as ready.

Based on those men alone, I almost voted the other way. To my way of thinking, if they would help out a little bit around the house, their marriages might be more successful, or at least a lot less stressful. They come home to chaos - dishes piled in the sink, kids screaming and/or crying, the house a disaster area. and their wives sitting zombie-like on the couch, exhausted. I have to admit that my husband has come home to the same scene on occasion and there were days early in our marriage when I wanted to grab him by the shoulders, shake him and yell, "Can't you help me out here?" I used to kid myself into believing that all the stress would disappear if he would share the burden of housework with me. The reality is, stress would still exist - different maybe, but there just the same.

Here's an example: Early in our marriage, he broke his foot and was off work for six weeks. During that time, he cooked (Hamburger Helper!), cleaned the house and cared for our daughter. And still had time to sit out in the backyard in the afternoons and relax. I couldn't figure out how he did it and, to be honest, completely resented it. How dare he do my job better than I did!

Well, he finally went back to work and things returned to normal - almost. Without sitting down and dividing up chores, my husband, a rather perceptive male, recognized that, while he may have had it under control, I needed help and he quietly stepped in. He still does his own laundry - primarily because it actually gets done that way. But he also helps around the house by cleaning floors, scrubbing bathrooms and doing the dishes with me at night. He also helps me in the daily care of our 24-year-old son who is paralyzed from the waist down and suffered a serious brain injury a couple of years ago.

Before you get the idea that divvying up household chores has made our marriage a success, it didn't. Sharing housework is not the key but a by-product of a marriage based on mutual respect. For me, as a woman, marriage is ultimately about being others-minded, thinking of him first, meeting his needs, caring for his children and home by wanting it to be a place of refuge from the craziness of the world. It is also realizing that I simply can't do it all and he understands this. THAT, my friend, is the key.

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