by Rob O'Hannon

Created on: December 30, 2008

Resolutions. Think about the word - resolutions. Break it down - re - meaning again, and solutions - meaning ways to fix things. So resolutions are promises to fix things again, or to at least re-think fixing things again. And, like toilet in your mother-in-law's guest bathroom that flushes a little too forcefully for comfort, whatever you're thinking needs to be fixed about yourself (your resolution) will probably never, ever, ever happen.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /

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You should note that there is no "al" (which does not necessarily mean that men named "Al" should feel exempted from trying to change their ways). It just means that resolutions are not re"al"solutions; they are merely promises based on some expectation that someone has planted in your brain ("Al, you should try to break wind less during communion". "Okay, Doris, I will make a resolution not to have three burritos and a six pack before church.") Real solutions take courage, knowledge, skill and dedication to first formulate them, and then put them into action. Real solutions require you to be a hero. Resolutions merely require you to have the intelligence level required to say "Huh?" when presented with paragraphs like this, and the skill required to pick your nose with one hand while texting with the other.
So what does this mean to you, the average Al nose-picking texter who breaks wind in church during communion? It means that you shouldn't have to bother making with the tedious thought process necessary to come up with an original resolution. So until X-Box or Wii comes up with "Grand Resolution Auto: Lobotomy Town", here's a handy, dandy list of resolutions for you to chose from:
I resolve to be eat three less fries per super size serving.
I resolve to wear underwear when visiting grandma or grandpa.
I resolve to pull up my pants before bending over.
I resolve to play less video games I don't like.
I resolve to avoid making eye contact with geeks.
I resolve to try and improve my diction, once I find out what that means.
I resolve to go to more movies involving dogs peeing on people's legs.
I resolve to remember my girlfriend or boyfriends' or booth's name.
I resolve to not touch myself there in mixed company.
I resolve to watch more TV involving real real people.
I resolve to wash my clothing and not just letting the rain take care of it.
I resolve to say, "Shut up." only when I really want someone to shut up.
I resolve to only use the "f" word when I actually want the "f" word.
I resolve to walk more often to the bathroom.
I resolve to plant a broccoli tree, so I can eat more greens.
I resolve to read a book not featuring the words "BOOM!", "CRASH! or "GIZZZZZLEFRIZZLSST!"
and finally the best resolution of all:

I resolve to keep my fingers crossed behind my back as I make my resolutions.

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