by Anitra Lahiri

Created on: December 30, 2008

All parents make mistakes. We are, after all, human beings with our own insecurities, limits, and longings. We enter parenthood with tremendously high hopes of raising that perfectly happy child. We vow that we will not repeat our own parents' shortcomings, that the stress of work will not affect our parenting, that we will succeed as parents. It is hard work, even harder perhaps than we had imagined. Ultimately, however, there are just three primary gifts that your child needs from you at all times: love, acceptance, and attention.

Before you can truly give your child anything sustaining, it is imperative to love yourself completely and unconditionally. It may sound selfish, silly, or even cliche, but it is the first step towards being able to give your child what he or she needs. Make time for doing what you love, even if it is only for ten minutes a day. Take good care of your body through exercise, decent nutrition, and proper grooming. Nurture your spirit by contemplating your own beliefs, meditating, praying, or joining a spiritual or religious community that you trust. Children learn by watching you, and when they see you taking good care of yourself, they will be more likely to follow suit. And the more you love yourself, the more you will be able to give love, acceptance, and attention to your child.

Every child can sense the depth and sincerity of what you are feeling. The best way to open yourself up to demonstrating the love you feel for your child is by surrendering all expectations. The child you imagine and hope for may not be the child you have. You may want your son or daughter to be the most beautiful, most advanced, most athletic, or most artistic. You may want your him to run your business someday or be a doctor. You may want your child to be heterosexual. You may want your child to make no mistakes, certainly not the same ones you made when you were young. But the reality is that they will be who she is meant to be, not who you want her to be. Of course, you can influence your child's values, likes, and dislikes, but you cannot change his spirit. Surrender to this fact now, and then watch your child flourish in the warmth of the love he feels emanating from you.

Your child also needs your acceptance. Accept where your child is in his or her development right now. Every stage of his development has its quirks, challenges, and frustrations. These sometimes taxing stages will never go away because they are an inherent (and often healthy) part of childhood and adolescence. Good parenting entails loving your child even when he refuses to use the potty, has tantrums, gets low grades, or puts a dent in the car. Loving your child, and letting her know you love her throughout these stages, does not mean blindly accepting inappropriate behavior; it means maintaining an internal understanding that this stage will pass and that your child's behavior does not affect your love for them.

Your son or daughter also needs your attention. Whether or not they admit it, they need your mindful, focused presence.They want you to talk to them, take them out to special places, or just sit around with them. When you are with them, truly be there with them.
When you are speaking to them, look into their eyes and see who they are becoming. They will sense your attentiveness and care, and this will go a long way.

Your child does not need that new toy, video game, big allowance, or car that they may be asking for. But, whatever his age or stage, he does need your love, acceptance, and attention.

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