by Darryl Brooks

Created on: December 30, 2008

He woke up in the middle of the night to a skittering clatter like a small dog running across hardwood floors. That damned squirrel was back in the attic. He grabbed the cheap Ray-O-Vac flashlight off his night stand and headed for the attic stairs. His good flashlight had burned out a few weeks ago and he hadn't replaced the batteries. Who keeps D batteries around any more?

He decided stealth was the answer this time. He crept across the carpet and grabbed the cord to pull down the stairs. He tugged gently and slowly so the springs wouldn't squeak, almost holding his breath in the darkness. As the door was almost all the way down, the cord broke, slamming the door back in place hard enough to shake the walls. His wife asked if he wanted her to turn on the light. He told her to go back to sleep that night would be the night he got rid of that squirrel.

He jumped to grab the remaining few inches of cord and got the ladder down without further incident. He couldn't hear anything from the attic as he descended the stairs, but as he reached the top and turned on the flashlight, he could hear the squirrel dart across another rafter to the far side of the house. He turned on the attic light, but instead of following his nemesis, he crept across from beam to beam toward where he knew the escape route was.

He knew this because the battle has been going on for weeks. He had found the hole where the squirrel was gaining access and began his siege there. It was too far back under the eaves for him to reach so he couldn't block it. He had pushed some wire netting as far into the hole as he could with a broom handle. He had thrown thumbtacks across the area. He had sprayed that corner of the attic with ammonia, bug spray, and bleach. He had put a live trap on the closest support and baited it with pecans, acorns, peanut butter, and apples. Nothing had worked. He had thought about trying a Blooming Onion from Outback - everybody liked those.

After many sleep deprived days, the squirrel still came and went as it pleased. He hadn't mind sharing the attic He didn't use it. The squirrel could have had three-quarters of the space to do as he pleased. He could have invited his friends over to play squirrel games and stay up all night cracking hickory nuts. But his point of ingress was right over the bed and it was a very noisy squirrel. He didn't know if squirrels can stomp, but that one didn't move with the silent grace one came to expect.

He positioned himself close to the hole,

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