I am a little sad tonight and at the same time I am also relieved. Even though these feelings on the surface seem to conflict, in this case they are also logical. At least for me.
A few months ago my closest friend and I had decided to take our relationship to the next level and try to see if we could make it as a couple. We had gotten to the point where I was applying for a job where he lived and we were discussing what the next step would be. Then he read an article I had written and realized what we were planning might not be the best thing for us to do.
I didn't want to hear that my own words had undermined something so important but after a long and frank discussion I realized he was right. I have a life long problem with commitment.
He did not want to be hurt and I did not want to hurt him .So the outcome was we decided to just remain as friends. Though in our relationship there is nothing that is just simple about it.. No two people could be closer or know more about each other than we do. We have been though so much over the years.
I realized I have had a lifetime of avoiding commitment and yes, I do know why I do.
I had been responsible for taking care of members of my family since the age of twelve. Anything more than the responsibilities I had during these years would have been too much. My family is long gone now but the fear of commitment has remained.
I think I have improved over the years, at least I hope I have but there was a time when I sold antiques and had my own business that I would have had a problem deciding to meet friends for dinner. It would have been a commitment I could not make.. My business partner once said to me "Your very intelligent. You know every word in the English except for two yes and no" She may have been kidding but she also was right.
I have improved greatly since those days but not enough to take a big step like making a commitment to someone that was planned and though about.
My close friend and I remain close friends and I will be sad, as I know he will be for a while but it was the right choice if something as important as our relationship was to remain in tact. We then have to do what was necessary to keep our love and friendship alive.
The hardest thing in life to realize our flaws and this one is so big I would trip over it if I did not see it.
We have to accept ourselves for who we are and this is something I don't see changing to any great degree in this lifetime. As I said before I have improved but am still commitment phobic and it has cost me a lot and most likely will in the future. I am learning and by the time my life on earth is complete perhaps I will be able to chose if I want to live upstairs or down in the after life. At least I hope I will be able to.