by Daniel Sisk

Created on: December 29, 2008

I've been harboring a terrorist and it's time to come clean. Too many troubling mornings at the breakfast table silently fretting over the scheming and planning. Countless uneasy sidelong glances at meticulous target lists. Numerous sleepless nights tossing and turning over the carnage. The nation, nay world, teeters on the brink while I cast a blind eye. Something has to be done.

You see, my wife is a holy warrior, a jihadist of sorts, against the great Satan of the retail industry. Weekly, she straps a bag around a shoulder stuffed with weapons of various caliber: 20% off; 50% off; two-for-one; buy one, get one free, etc. This daunting arsenal spreads shock and awe through the checkout counter, inducing sweat from anxious cashiers. Store managers stiffen in fear expecting challenges on prices mistakenly charged by blameless machines or on discounts accidentally left posted after sales have ended. Cool and collected, my wife saunters out of the store with a devilish chuckle having once again wreaked havoc. Ah, the game of it all.

Her methods, calculated and varied, deftly exploit systematic weaknesses. Melting into the crowds, she leverages memberships like Fred Meyer Reward Points, Albertsons Preferred Savings, and Safeway Club Cards for maximum effect. Strategically applying coupons to sales prices, she extracts ridiculous discounts from hapless grocers. I expect merchants will one day bribe her to stay away.

The impact to economic structures could prove severe; the consequences to global trade immeasurable. Sure, I save a lot of money; this can't be denied. But there are bigger things at stake. Sometimes, I even plead with her, "Woman, do understand what you're doing?!" She laughs.

With consumer spending such a large fraction of the nation's economy, I worry about my sleeper agent and her one-woman terrorist cell. What about all the people scrapping by who depend on our retail dollars filtering down? Think of the unemployment. Think of the hardship. An insidious threat without parallel!

I also squirm over the various cases in the news about spouses conducting secret schemes behind their partner's backs, like gambling, tax evasion, and shady investments. Lately, I read about the Lehman Brothers broker who gleaned insider information from his unsuspecting wife. The government recently charged Matthew Delvin with insider trading after making his customers millions. His wife claims ignorance, but that's a claim I could never make. Aiding and abetting, fraternizing, co-conspiring: I'm in deep. The FBI will be sniffing around in no time.

I cautiously try to convince her to back off. Sometimes, I hide the sale circulars. Once, I deliberately spilled maple syrup on her shopping list. She remains undaunted.

I worry about other converts to her cause: her sisters, friends, neighbors. These trying times could ignite a wholesale (no pun intended) attack. Keep your eyes open. It's no longer just shopping it's war.

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