by Maggie West

Created on: December 29, 2008

When asked if changing one's personality for the sake of a relationship is good or bad, I must unequivocally answer: "It depends."

To me, the question is similar to "How great is one's need for water?"

If one is stranded in the desert; water is a survival necessity. Should one be caught in a flood, though, water is the problem - not the solution.

As my husband puts it: "If you're a scumbag but love someone with higher moral standards, it's a choice: Which do you value more, your own negative behavior or the other person? If, on the other hand - and for whatever odd reason - you fall in love with a scumbag and lower your standards for his or her sake, you're an idiot - and might want to grab a dictionary and look up the word integrity,' as well."

The American Heritage Dictionary defines "personality" as: "The pattern of collective character, behavioral, temperamental, emotional, and mental traits of an individual." We can change certain elements, but not others. Our collective character, for instance, begins to form the moment we take our first breath (some may argue even sooner). The primordial elements may be too ingrained to change - the newer ones have a better chance.

Additionally, some emotions may stem from childhood traumas or our past relationships. Therefore, depending on the circumstances, they may be difficult to tweak. Like me, one might be female. To some, the female personality is composed solely of emotion: each of us is "a bundle of nerves," as some men put it. Whether or not the majority of either sex believes this (and it isn't strictly true: neither gender is completely left or right brained), men must be aware that women are more emotional than they are and deal with us accordingly. By the same token, women must understand that the combination of testosterone and right-hemisphere dominance renders males more aggressive - and literalistic - in their thinking, and deal with them accordingly.

Some temperaments are the products of neuroses or psychoses, and may take years of professional intervention to change. Even the ostensibly "sane" occasionally assume the worst and blow things out of proportion, due to the lack of self-control. On the other hand, living in "La-La Land" with a constant (and therefore irritating) cheerful mindset can infuriate or alienate others. A Neuro-linguistic Programming maxim maintains: "Any behavior you can generate is appropriate in some context." Laughing during a four-alarm fire, though, is inappropriate behavior.

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