by Rick Wildman

Created on: December 27, 2008

In most cases, men do not want to marry because they have not completed their adolescence. There are three stages of development:

Dependent: The child depends on the parents to make decisions and provide.

Independent: The man makes his own decisions and provides for himself.

Interdependent: The man joins with a woman to create and foster something greater than himself - a family.

The only sensible thing to do with a man you want to marry, who does not want to be married, is to move on. Yes, it is painful, but lingering failure is much, much worse. No one can make a man grow up. He has to want to. And frankly, if he's already getting sex and affection from you, with no promise of a decision, why exactly should he make a further commitment?

I'm not saying you should wait until marriage before having sex. That's a bit Victorian for me. But I am saying you should set clear expecations, early in the relationship. Say it simply: "My goal is to find the right man to have a family with. I want to be married (and perhaps have or adopt children). Is that something you are interested, with the right woman?"

If he evades, he's not ready. Don't expect him to fall in love with you and change his core values. It won't happen. Your love is not a magic elixir. He will continue to be exactly who he is, whether getting sex and affection or not.

I believe it is reasonable to say, "Let's date for a year, and then either marry, or move on." If marriage is the goal, why not discuss it plainly, and set a deadline? That's the way all things are done in the man's world. Approach it this way, and you'll find out exactly where he stands.

I know there are many scientific studies that point out how it's in man's nature to want to play the field, and woman's nature to want to hold on to one man, but frankly I find that to be a clever dodge. We have been civilized for 10,000 years, with clearly understood standards of what is right and wrong in relationships, which, for most people, for most of time, has been a man and a woman, married. Everything else causes trouble (murder, rape, abandoned children, etc.). There's a reason our traditions have developed and survived - they work, both for the individual and society. Avoiding those guidelines is simply a fancy way of saying, "I don't want to grow up. I do not recognize any debt to those who came before me, and do not wish to pass anything on to future generations. This life is all about me, and anything that takes the focus off of me is a distraction."

And why would you want to marry a man like that? Or worse, a man who doesn't even know that's his core motivation?

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