by Nicole Payne

Created on: December 27, 2008

Most people believe that suicide is a very selfish act. But to the person who is struggling with the thought of killing themselves they are so tormented by self-hatred that they can't think straight. They can't stand themselves and they believe others feel the same way. I know this thought process sounds ridicules because all most every one on this planet has someone who loves them dearly. Living in this kind of torment can cause all sorts of absurd ideas.

A lot of people who try to commit this act of murder towards themselves believe that if they die the world would be better off. They are in a warped thought process to think that people would actually not miss them and be hurt by their death. As delusional as this sounds people in this hurting situation have this notion that everyone would be happy that they are gone. People who hate themselves have the untrue concept that they make everyones life miserable and that all they do is hurt people.

How could someone get to this point people may ask. First it starts with unforgiveness. An example is you crash mom's car by accident and mom is mad. She yells at you and you feel bad. Thoughts start to flood into your brain. I am so stupid how could I do something like this. I am always screwing up. That leads to step two you begin to resent yourself. Then you will figure out how to punish yourself, which is retaliation. Anger will set in and the words of hatred begin to permeate your soul. Words like I am a loser, no one loves me and if they did I would fail them and then they would hate me more. I am bad and I will always be bad.

Violence is the next step which could be something like punching a wall or starving yourself. Cutting is a example of violence towards oneself. Then the ulitmate happens, murder or self-murder. This is how all murder takes place, whether it is killing yourself or someone else. Any one can start this process. It always starts with not forgiving your self or others. These are all the steps that lead up to murder.

You may be wondering how do I stop this process once it has started? What are the steps to stop self- hatred? Is it to late for anyone once they are in this vicious cycle? No, unless the person is dead it is never to late to help them undue the lies that they have believed! I believe that forgiving is the solution to all the lies that have been enforced in the brain to cause such a action.

Being a person who has struggled with suicide this practice of forgiving myself has taken away all wanting and desire to hurt myself. As a Christian I take it a step further I tell the author of the lies to leave in Jesus name and then I ask God to heal that hurt caused by the lie. When I do this it takes away all emotional pain and I fell sealed with love instead. Since I have been doing this my life has changed I am happy now and I no longer want to die.

The ministry who taught me this prayer is Wellspring in Alaska. I will always be grateful to them for leading me out of the bitterness which lead to self-hatred. Now because of the truth I live in freedom.

Learn more about this author, Nicole Payne.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.