by Maynard Black

Created on: December 26, 2008

Right now you're at the bottom of a deep, dark well staring up at the speck of soft light in the distance. You've already tried to climb out, but your hands and feet slip on the cold, slimy walls. Memories flicker on and off in the darkness, reminding you again and again of everything that you've lost. It feels like you'll never get out. It feels like someone is going to cover the top and the "you" that you once knew will disappear and be forgotten.

You will never be the same. Just as every new relationship in your life changes you forever, so it does when it ends. All of our experiences in life alter our perceptions, and relationships are no different. This is the first thing we have to accept in order to move toward healing ourselves. If we expect to be the same person we were before we got into the relationship, then we will never recover from it and will always carry it with us.

Time has passed. Whether we were with them for a month or twenty years, we've changed forever. For instance, the world felt like a different place before the first time we tasted broccoli. While the prospect of living in a broccoli-less world isn't bothersome to most, the world is still a little different to us now that we've tried it. Whether this person was "broccoli" or a "raspberry fudge sundae," your world is now different. You are now different for having tasted it. You know what? That's okay.

The first step is to accept that we are different. Believe it or not, that's really the hard part. Once we've tackled that obstacle, we have to figure out how and why we're different. This second step is really the fun part, but most people skip right over it because they never finished step one. The majority of people jump from one relationship to another without taking the time to figure out what really happened. People carry around ALOT of excess baggage from previous relationships because they never took the time to get everything sorted out. These are the very things that ruin their new relationships and they end up right back where the started, only to do it all over again. Insecurity, jealousy, anger, fear, and a lack of respect for ourselves will quickly sabotage any relationship.

Jumping into a new relationship fixes things in the short term, but really only hurts you in the long run. Take a moment to breathe. Spend some time on your own, doing the things that you love to do. Figure out what you really care about.

Be realistic about your relationship: What did I do right? What did

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