by Mochi Yamaguchi

Created on: December 25, 2008   Last Updated: January 03, 2009

Here it is Christmas Eve,counting down the hours until it is over.The ads on TV displaying family gatherings and celebrations is a foreign world I have only peered into briefly and never really experienced with my own family.Just last night,42 years later I realized I only remember one Christmas with my father.I spent about 5 Christmas with my mother.

I have not had a relationship with her since the late 80's.She has always been hyper-critical,mean and far from nurturing.She abused me physically,verbally and also with neglect. She hit me every day until I was 13.From the age of eight she yelled at me that she almost had an abortion and never wanted me. I was sent away to boarding school at age 13,after she remarried. Once she dropped me in a field outside of school with a tent because she was tired of me being home and though school was not to start for another month,she wanted to be rid of me.Some holidays they preferred I stay at school rather than come home.I was never hungry as a child nor went with out basic necessities but I was left alone for days at a time.

I had a hard time convincing my mother I needed new clothes or shoes. She told me I was below her level and didnt deserve them.When my mother divorced my step-father she told me she didnt want me to live with her,I was sixteen.I was thrown out of school soon after. She sent me to live with my father in Florida,who I had not seen in years. I barely knew anything about him,he was close to a stranger. I left him soon after and have been on my own ever since.It was at the age of eighteen that I came to terms with the fact that I would never have the kind of mother other people had.I used to compare her to other mothers,having expectations that she might help me,or care about me.

There are many stories,examples of terrible things she has done but that would fill a book.

I think the worst thing about having this kind of relationship with a mother is how other people treat you.You listen to their family stories,you have nothing to reply with.When you feel comfortable enough to share what kind of childhood you had,or that you dont talk to your mother,you get cold silence.I think it would be easier to talk about cancer.Under that silence you know they are sizing you up,thinking you must be to blame,that are you are guilty of something.Women that dont get along with their mothers or have had bad childhoods grow up to be outsiders.We never fit in,and we cant escape it either.Holidays are the loneliest times of year for me.

I never had children because I wanted them to have the best possible life and I knew I couldnt give them that.

I chose a long time ago not to have her in my life because I didnt want her voice in my head.It took years for me to make that critical voice go away.In the past,relatives have tried to put us together and I refused unless she wanted to deal with the past.I wanted an aplogy.She wont do that.

I figure she never wanted me and now she has her wish.

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