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or spare button in the coming days.

So, I called upon one very loyal friend, who by the way, had also never given birth, to come over and help me prepare for the impending arrival of the fruit of my womb - which had a head.

Not that I was thinking about it or anything.

She kindly obliged and we commenced to crawling, scrubbing, wiping and polishing with great gusto. Or at least, she did.

I was busy running back and forth to the bathroom.

During one of my frequent trips, I happened to hear a curious popping sound which gave way to a sudden and unexpected gush of water.

Wondering if the weight of this fetus had finally ruptured my bladder and certain death was imminent, I peered anxiously into the toilet.

Huh.

It didn't look like urine. It didn't have the unique olfactory elements of urine. And it didn't exactly feel like it had come from the little urine place either.

No, this had come from that other place - the place where the 7 to 10 lb fruit of the womb would be arriving from very soon. Like it or not.

A swell of anxiety and fear washed over me like a tsunami. Dizzy from the realization I was about to have a bono-fide "Come to Jesus" moment, I clutched the counter to steady myself.

Once composed, I waddled back into the room where my loyal friend was furiously scrubbing the floors, leaving a dribbling trail of water behind me.

"I think my water broke," I said to my friend, who looked up with beads of sweat gathering on her upper lip and her round eyes widening into saucers.

"Okay" she said, with a discernable hint of panic in her voice. "What do we do?"

"I don't know," I answered as I turned on my heels and waddled back to the bathroom with visions of silver dollars and 7 to 10 lb pieces of fruit fogging my thinking.

The memory of what happened in the subsequent hours of that day has long since faded.

It's been 17 years and two more kids later. But, I do remember enough to know that the orifice I was so obsessed with was actually a musical instrument and a canal all at the same time.

Yes, it's true. The inside of that place had all these little folds that expanded and stretched, much like an accordion, the doctor said, which made the passage of my little 7 to 10 lb biological fruit with legs, arms, torso and head, not as difficult as I had imagined.

Or perhaps it was just the Demerol.

I also remember the doctor saying something about the "birth canal". Funny. I had always associated canals with Venetian gondolas and singing gondoliers. But, I guess if you think about it,

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