American Idol: The Fairest Competition in the Land
American Idol has been called cruel, vicious, and cutthroat as a competition. Nevertheless, the one accusation that does not stick: American Idol is unfair. American Idol is, for all its flaws, completely and utterly fair.
As a musician and a singer, I have watched the show auditions since Idol's beginning season with unwavering interest. In my mind, American Idol is the closest thing we have to a musical Superbowl. Anyone who sings in front of an audience is on a need-to-watch basis, as much of good singing can be learned from watching bad singing. The American Idol auditions have been a circus freak show of bad singers from Season One. Naturally, Season Six's collection of ragtag wannabes have outdone themselves. They're horrible.
Almost as bad as the girls in my High School once were.
For me, American Idol is a personal vindication. It's justice being served. When I was in High School, the richest girls in school were in Chorus. These cliques of lipstick harpies joined Chorus for popularity and small scale stardom, whereas I joined thinking I would get a chance to sing. I was passed over for solos because of many reasons, one of them extreme performance shyness, but more or less, I feel my vocal talent was ignored mostly because the Chorus director favored the top echelons of the popular clique. Though there were a few great singers, like Julianna, the popular girls invariably chosen for the best vocal solos were tone deaf.
Stone cold tone deaf.
Most contestants who audition for American Idol could not carry a tune if they had a bucket. Much like the girls in my Chorus class, they either:
A. Don't care to address the problem
B. Have no idea that the problem exists
So I love the show. Where you see undeserved cruelty, I see glorious, nepotism-free honesty.
In the Minneapolis auditions, I thought it was a pretty cheap shot to let Jewel "sit in" on the judging. It's obvious that Jewel was invited to threaten Paula's cushy job. The unwritten subtext was that Paula had better clean up her drinking problem or be replaced next year. Jewel is a known drug addict who has gone on stage cursing her fans for booing her poor performances, so it confounds me why they would be so anxious to replace one problem child with another.
JARROD and RACHEL, who were both representing the Armed Forces, were adorable.
JESSE should realize that if most women can't sing Celine Dion, men don't stand a chance.
TASHAWN, who couldn't remember the words to the Prince song Kiss, was truly hard to watch.
Kiss is one of those songs that only sounds right when Prince sings it.
Shakira clone PERLA will barely make it past Hollywood. Her voice wasn't as strong as the judges pretended it was. It read as skanky and obvious to flirt with Ryan Seacrest, but I thought it was hilarious how taken Randy was with her.
When TRISTA sang the Cowardly Lion's role in Wizard of Oz, I felt the urge to both cringe and throw up.
DENISE, who sailed through her audition, has an Achille's heel, and it's not her voice. Her ego is huge, already out of control at age sixteen. She's setting herself up for a fall. Even though her beginnings were humble-she was a crack baby-she has already let success go to her head. Notice that she pushed one of the men congratulating her (brother, friend?) rudely out of the way, with brutal disregard.
STEVEN, the voice teacher, was kind of hot until he opened his mouth and sang a falsetto version of Aerosmith's Don't Want to Miss A Thing. He should try acting instead.
In Seattle, when Simon ripped poor overweight AMY, mother of one, to shreds and Randy chided her for being tone deaf, I felt no pity. Blaming her bad audition on a sore throat and the flu, as Amy did, held no more water for me than it did for Idol's judges.
JENNIFER'S overreaction to criticism and snide comments that Simon should "get himself a lobotomy" were predictable. The Queen of Mean meets the King.
DARWIN seemed like a sweetheart and a genuinely cool person. Let's hope she sticks to writing.
TOMMY will be around for a few weeks, but he won't make top ten.
BLAKE will barely make it past the "Hollywood" phase before being sent home.
SANJAYA is Top 20 quality, but his pitch needs slight improvement. His Stevie Wonder was dead on. Sister SHYAMALI has pitch problems and will be sent home right after Hollywood.
MELISSA'S grotesque choice of cut off red pantyhose as clothing should serve to qualify her for the show What Not To Wear.
If NICHOLAS was "the weirdest/worst we've ever seen",a phrase Simon uses far too often for relevance, then what on Earth was William Hung? Nicholas was a terrible singer, but he at least struck me as an intelligent person with a future. He seemed far more realistic and personable than any of the Seattle contestants featured.
Calling KENNETH a bush baby was uncalled for. I'm fine if they rip a contestant for wardrobe choices or bad singing, but it's downright Donald vs. Rosie childish to resort to playground insults based on what someone was born with.
ERIC, the hair stylist that looks like Taylor Hicks, didn't understand the concept of personal boundaries and tried to "fix Simon's hair" with pomade. So many of these contestants are unstable. It makes you wonder if Simon, Paula, and Randy have stalkers?
Six foot seven ANNA did a great job on Aretha Franklin's song, Respect. She was awesome.
BIG RED'S falsetto was something I would write into one of my horror novels. I don't think half of these contestants realize how scary they seem.