by Virgil Teague

Created on: December 24, 2008

SEEING GHOSTS

I take issue with the title of this category. Setting aside my sense that there cannot be a "world's funniest joke," given that societal norms vary around the globe and what is hilarious in Secaucus might be a dud in Instanbul or the wry British humor might not elicit much response in a village in Gabon, I'll simply share one of my favorites. This one is best told aloud with appropriate expressions and dialect. Having a glass of scotch in hand doesn't hurt, either. In fact, I find that my Scots burr seems to improve with the consumption of a wee dram, as does my enthusiasm for telling this one.

The Catholic priest was giving his congregation a verbal tongue-lashing one Sunday morning. "It's come to my attention that some of you are claimin' to be seein' ghosts lately. And this, despite all me teachin' and preachin' of the Word. There's only one ghost, and that's the Holy Ghost, b'God! Anyone claimin' to be seein' a ghost is a sinner and damned to hell for certain, and if you think you've been seein' ghosts then I'd best be seein' you in Confession without delay. Disappointed, that's what I am, disappointed and hurt. Let me see you, then, all of you claimin' to be seein' ghosts. Stand up. Right where you are, stand up and let me see you!" There's a quiet shuffling of feet and a number of parishioners rise, somewhat shamefaced.

The priest looks around and says, "All right, then...you heathens, you unbelievers! I'll prove to you there's no such thing as a ghost! Have you ever touched a ghost? Sit down unless you've actually touched a ghost!" Several of the congregation take their seats, glad to have escaped more severe harassment from the good Father.

After a moment, he says, "Well now...for those of you sorry souls still standin', claimin' t' have touched a ghost, let me ask you this. Have you ever made love with a ghost? No? Just as I thought! Sit down, then, you faithless creatures. Sit down. You can no more make love with a ghost than you can touch a ghost because there is no such thing as -"

All eyes fix on one man still standing. "Now, Seamus," says the priest, his voice dripping sarcasm, "You don't mean to stand there all by y'self, all these good people starin' at you, claimin' you've made love with a ghost?"

Seamus yanks the cap off his head and clutches it to his chest in embarrassment. "Yer pardon, Father...I thought y' said 'goat'."

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