In attendance at my daughter's second birthday, along with many children and their parents, were a close family friend and her father. To Carissa, our friend's father was not just a family friend. He was "Grandpa."
Grandpa, advanced in years, had been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That Grandpa had Alzheimer's was not advertised at Carissa's party. That any of the other guests knew is unknown to me. What the children knew was what they saw and experienced a very jovial man, a captivating smile, a playful spirit.
After Grandpa's Alzheimer's grew more advanced, he was not as jovial, not as playful with children, but he still had his captivating smile. When Carissa visited Grandpa for Christmas, she curled up in the doggie bed; Grandpa didn't quite know what to do. Sometimes he would question whether she should be doing what she was doing, whether crawling into the doggie bed, or rocking in the rocker. Nonetheless, Carissa continued to be her playful self, while Grandpa continued to look on and smile.
Carissa and I were no longer living in Colorado when Grandpa passed away. I am told that late in his years, he became physically hostile toward people of any age. This hostility was only momentarily halted when his child-like faith would shine through during communion at his nursing home, and that captivating smile would return once again.
I have formed my beliefs about exposing children to grandparents with Alzheimer's, based on what I have witnessed, and what I have learned. Experiencing a visit with a grandparent with Alzheimer's can be healthy for a child of any age, under certain conditions.
Each parent or guardian of the child who will be present in the visit is willing and able take the necessary time to answer any question the child might ponder before, during, and after such a visit.
The grandparent has not grown hostile toward others, in such a way as to endanger or frighten the child.
A family therapist, who is familiar with the state of the grandparent, is available to chat with the child ahead of time, to prepare that child for what might transpire.
A follow-up session with the therapist occurs soon after the visit to ensure that any new-felt emotions within the child are addressed.
Should any of the child's emotions surface in the form of behavior issues later on, a wrap-up session with the therapist must be scheduled to address those emotions.
When briefing a child on a future visit with a grandparent with Alzheimer's, a parent or guardian should use the following recommendations as a guide.
Alzheimer's should not be singled out as the only topic of discussion prior to the visit. Children in the United States are not accustomed to seeing the elderly on a daily basis because of how geographically and socially fragmented our families have become. Not only should attention be given to the topic of Alzheimer's, but to other topics involving the elderly. Children may benefit from knowing about the affect of age on physical appearance, such as hair color and skin conditions, and the use of assistive devices, such as walkers, canes, wheelchairs, false teeth, and hearing aids.
The child should know not to mention "Alzheimer's" around the grandparent, if the grandparent has no knowledge of the diagnosis. Instead, a parent or guardian should encourage the child to ask more general questions, such as, "How have you been feeling?" and "What was it like when you were growing up?"
The grandparent's individuality is something that not even Alzheimer's can take away. If a grandparent did not appreciate children before Alzheimer's was introduced into the equation, the grandparent may not appreciate children after. However, personality changes may lead to a new-found appreciation of children.
The grandparent is still a human being. In addition to having Alzheimer's, the grandparent has an intrinsic worth that must be respected by all children and adults alike. A child, innately perceptive and always learning, who witnesses a parent or guardian disrespecting a grandparent, may respond in disrespect toward one or both parties.
When debriefing a young child, one should not focus on Alzheimer's alone. Just as the briefing involved discussing the elderly, in general, so should the debriefing. Perhaps it would be best not to mention "Alzheimer's" at all in the debriefing, but to encourage the child to ask questions about any observations made and feelings experienced concerning the grandparent's behaviors. Answers should not be limited to, "That is because he has Alzheimer's," but should explain the reasons for certain behaviors without using "Alzheimer's" as much as possible.
When debriefing an older child, one should explain "Alzheimer's." Possibly a quick Internet search on Alzheimer's as a family would be appropriate. Reference material abounds, as well as sites specifically designed for children of various ages to help them cope with feelings experienced in their encounters with their grandparents. An older child may not know exactly what questions to ask until reviewing such information.
Care should also be given to the grandparent's perspective. The grandparent's thoughts and feelings concerning the visit might be helpful for a child of any age to know. Knowing how a grandparent thought or felt might enable the child to feel closer to or identify more with the grandparent.
Alzheimer's, affecting vast numbers of our world's elderly, is as commonplace today as cancer or diabetes. Cancer patients are not shunned and kept from society, nor are those with diabetes. Neither should those with Alzheimer's. Children are as much a part of society as adults. Therefore, children should have equal access to those with Alzheimer's.