by Can Tran

Created on: December 24, 2008

Though I am not a step-father, I do know of a few people that have become step-fathers. If you are going to be a step-father, do not be afraid. You simply need to be calm and be relaxed. Hopefully, you will do fine. Still, I should have advice on becoming a step-father.

The first thing you should do is take your time. Become a step-father at your own pace. Martial arts legend Bruce Lee said this: the best style is no style. In this respect, the best pace is no pace. There is no absolute best style and there is no absolute best pace. Your pace is your own pace. Your pace is your ultimate pace. That is something you should think about. Take the time to find your groove or your rhythm.

The second thing to do is to take it one day at a time. It is going to take time for you to adjust to being a step-father. Do not rush things. If you rush things, you are going to make things really bad. It is also going to make you come off as very forceful. That is something that you do not want to happen. Your step-children will end up resenting you as a result. It is going to take time for your step-children to truly accept you. Realistically, it could take several years for them to accept you.

Do not try to bribe your step-children. You are not going to get their affection that way. They will probably feign affection. Also, they may learn how to play people as a result. Perhaps this is one of the most important tidbits of advice I can give.
This comes from personal experience witnessing such a thing. At the same time, you do risk alienating your own children. That is also something you do not want to do.

You are not replacing the person's father. You and their father are two different people. You have to accept that. They probably will not want to forget their actual father unless he was a total jerk.
Also, do not try to replace their father. It will only make things go down south.

Try to be civil with the children's biological father if you can help it. If you do not, it makes your step-children distrust you. That is something you want to avoid.

Be prepared for the possibility that they may not call you dad. It is their choice if they want to accept you as a parent or not. You do not have a say in this. Also, you do not force it upon them. It will only cause step-children resentment towards you.
Ultimately, it is their choice whether to accept you or not. If they do not, give it time. You are going to need a lot of patience.

Encourage your step-children to keep in contact with their real father. It shows that you really are looking out for them. That is what you should be doing, looking out for them as if they are your biological children. I say biological because people are real. Also, real does not necessarily mean "real."

If you have children of your own, do not neglect them. Before getting married, your children and your prospective step-children should get to know one another better. One of the important things I have learned is that family members should treat each other as friends. A very important friend of mine had told me that.

Most importantly, be there for them. If they need a shoulder to lean on, offer it. A parent should be there for his/her child. Step-children should be no different.

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