by Stanley Teater

Created on: December 23, 2008

THE ULTIMATE MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE

L. Jameson Whitlock is a very careful man. He always locks his door and before he gets halfway down the driveway he goes back and jiggles the knob just to make sure he really did it. He never steps on a crack even though his mother resides in an urn on his mantel and breaking her back is an impossibility. He never eats food he doesn't prepare himself because "you just never know what they put in it." He never married because he hasn't yet forgiven Eve, doesn't own a pet because he wants to avoid the sadness that would surely come after it died, and never ever buys anything that isn't on sale.

One morning after brushing his teeth for the second time Mr. Whitlock felt a slight tickle in his throat and decided he was coming down with a cold. He checked his medicine cabinet and noted that the bottle of aspirin was half empty. If the cold lasted more than a week that would never be enough so he decided to buy some more. At once.

It was a lovely autumn day so rather than waste money on gas he decided to walk the mile and a half between his home and the drug store. After he had gone a few blocks he passed a little shop he had never noticed before. There was a sign in the window that said "Ask About Our Ultimate Money-Back Guarantee". There was no name on the shop window and no hint at all of what they might sell inside but the sign intrigued Mr. Whitlock and just in case they sold aspirin he decided to step inside.

On the wall to the right of the door was a shelf full of very old magazines. On the left was a table piled high with used shoes. There was a sign on the table - "Buy one get one free." At the back of the store was a counter. From behind it a man who couldn't have been more than four feet tall stared at Mr. Whitlock. "Good morning," said the man. "And how are you today?".

"I'm coming down with a cold," said Mr. Whitlock.

"That's too bad," said the tiny man. "You should buy some aspirin."

"That's why I'm here."

"That's very sad," said the man, "because I don't sell aspirin."

Mr. Whitlock glanced around the shop. "Are old magazines and old shoes all you sell here? Surely there can't be much profit in that."

"Oh, no," said the man. "I sell many things. No aspirin. But many, many other things. And everything I sell comes with the ultimate money-back guarantee."

"Tell me about that," said Mr. Whitlock. "What's so special about your guarantee?"

"It's very simple," said the man. "If you aren't completely happy with any item you buy, just

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