The most common advice for how to prepare your two-year-old for a new baby focuses on "talking to him." I'm going to go against that wave and advise you to say little and do much. Toddlers are too young to understand "the talk." Better to "do the walk."
Preparing your two-year-old for a new baby brother or sister requires parent preparation first. And it may require your acting skills as well. A new baby adds much more than plus one to your family life. But your challenge is to pretend like it's simple and easy - no big deal. Why? Your toddler is watching your every move and feels your energy. Here's how to prepare yourself and your two-year old to perceive as minor this major shift in his small universe.
Hide the good news as long as possible
You've found out you're pregnant again, and you are just bursting to tell everyone. But, don't tell your toddler, and hold everyone to this goal. Why? Nine months is almost half of your toddler's entire life. Waiting that long will be torture; it will feel like an eternity. Fast forward and picture your child asking you seven times every day: "Is the baby coming yet?" You get the picture.
How long should you wait? Ideally, until your child asks, but at least until you start showing. Your child will ask: Why is your tummy so big mommy? Then you can tell him about the baby at a stage when he can feel a kick or movement. This grounds an abstract piece of news into something concrete.
Involve big brother/sister in some decisions
You might say: "This child is two-year's old - what can he decide?" Plenty! There are scores of minor decisions to be made: Let him help choose colors for a room, an outfit, bottles, etc. His contributions, though minor, invest him in the process of welcoming and preparing for a baby.
Often parents make the mistake of leaving all the baby preparation to talking. A toddler is not a sophisticated communicator. But physical choices he can make and see help him process the upcoming change and feel a part of it. Make it concrete, not just chat.
Don't introduce anxieties not yet named
Your child will follow your lead. If adding the baby to your family is taken in stride, your toddler most likely will take it in stride. There are exceptions: Some children, by nature, are anxious. If anxieties arise, never discount them. Always affirm: "Yes, some big brothers and sisters feel like that sometimes. I don't think you'll feel like this after you can kiss and tickle your new baby sister/brother's toes, but if you do you can always tell me about it."
If toddler anxieties persist, make a "then and now" informal book with your child. Have one side of the page be now and what he's feeling in the moment. Then tell him you will fill in the other side of the pages when the new baby arrives. Most of the time he'll want to put happy pictures on the other side.
Put a lid on relatives and friends who will introduce anxieties for your child too. Tell them ahead of time how you are approaching this, and they too will follow your lead.
Prepare to integrate the baby into your toddler's schedule
When you have a second baby you can't expect to be able to have the leisure time to care for your newborn the same as you did your first child. With no other children you had much more freedom to meet the baby's needs, sleep when the baby slept, etc.
With a second baby you have to work as hard as you can to get the baby to fit in with the toddler's schedule. Yes, it's hard. But be prepared ahead of time. If you have help scheduled, try to get the helper to help with the newborn more than with the toddler. It will be tempting to do the opposite. But if you prioritize your toddler as much as possible, he will handle the new baby as more of an addition to family life than as a threat.
Save adoring your infant for when your toddler sleeps
Yes, this is hard too. All you want to do is gaze in your newborn's eyes, let her body melt into yours, kiss and fondle her. Minimize this focused attention on your newborn while your toddler is watching. Reserve such baby pleasures to your toddler's sleep times.
If your baby and you are locked in a gaze, and you see a smile coming, try and connect your toddler to the moment (if he's watching). Say, "I think she's trying to look at you - come closer. Hey, how come she always smiles at you? Being a big brother is pretty special, eh?"
Try to minimize how much you focus exclusively on the baby when your toddler is in striking distance. Instead, deflect those moments away from you toward your toddler. Make him feel in the center of your loving gaze (and the baby's), and not on the outside margins.
Prepare a box of armaments - just in case
Keep a box of special toys and treats on hand for tricky moments with your toddler. Perhaps you have to nurse the baby and your toddler is not too pleased. Introduce the new bath toy, start the bath, and nurse the baby sitting on the toilet if needed, while he splashes. Or set him up at the kitchen sink with the new toy. Water can neutralize anger.
Set up play dough or clay at the table and nurse the baby right there, while he tells you about each thing he is making. Keep your eyes on the toddler as much as possible. Squeezing clay can work out the bad feelings.
Save old watches, a pirate's patch, a bag of plastic cups to build with. You'll be surprised what can be fun for your child, which costs little. Add these to the box. Draw out distractions when needed or have your two-year-old close his eyes and pick one.
Food helps too. Before you nurse the baby, ask your toddler if he'd like a drink or snack too. Then he's participating, to some degree, in the nurturing the baby's receiving from you.
Stay calm no matter what
What's your worst nightmare? Your two-year-old tries to hurt the baby because he's jealous? He screams and develops monstrous behavior because he can't handle the new baby? Just remember: Your child is watching you closely. If you take his reactions in stride, he'll settle more quickly.
Do expect your toddler to regress and want to "play baby" sometimes. If he does, just go with it; don't try and talk him out of it. Stick a diaper on him. Give him a bottle to drink. Burp him. And then tell him he has to take lots of naps and stay in the stroller. When he wants a snack give him a glass of milk only, or baby cereal. The reality of less freedom and mobility - along with hunger - will persuade him to grow back up, quickly.
Larger-sized families will attest that subsequent children never have a hard time welcoming new babies, because mom having new babies becomes a regular event in their lives. Even though your new baby is the first (or perhaps only) sibling your two-year-old may have to welcome, pretend you're a natural at this.
When in doubt, fake him out
Acting skills come in very handy: You need to hide the baby's existence as long as possible, pretend like having another baby is "no big deal," and take all your toddler's behavior in stride.
When he sees how little you are concerned and how much he still gets of your attention, he'll see adding a new baby as simple addition. You can work out all those complex calculations when he's sleeping.
Play along, stick to your script, enlist the acting skills of your spouse and relatives, and orchestrate a score which lulls your two-year-old into thinking having a new baby is a slight change to his regular life.