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hunters, including my favorite, Roddie McDowell in Fright Night, you need to use wooden stakes. In fact, only wooden weapons can harm the creature. Use a mirror to test whether the creature is a vampire, for he will cast no reflection. Douse him with holy water to burn him. Apparently loading super-soaker water guns is the method most approved of, as evidenced in films like Bordello of Blood and From Dusk to Dawn. Any two sticks held up crossed will hold back the vampires. But remember that that works only if you have faith in it. For those who are Christ-challenged, a star of David works equally well. Muslims might display a Qur'an, although that would vere very closely into blasphemy. The best method of disposing of the vampire is to trick it into staying out too late and getting fried by the sun. After that, a wooden stake into the heart, beheading, dousing with large amounts of holy water are very effective methods for re-deading the undead.

The Last Man on Earth

This vampire is the rsult of some scientific plague that causes vampiric symptoms. This idea was originally postulated by Richard Matheson in the 1954 novel I Am Legend. Forget about Will Smith and that travesty of the novel. The best techniques here are isolation, preparation and psychological stability. First order of business is to survive. Find a quiet location that is easily defended. I suggest an abandoned bank. This is also effective in the case of zombie attack. First, scavenge for food and water. The end of civilization means that potable water and uncontaminated food will be at a premium very quickly. As soon as possible, begin small-scale farming. Trap rainwater and learn how to purify it before drinking. Your second priority is to acquire sufficient weapons and skills. A shovel is probably the best improvised weapon, but you will gradually learn how to use bladed weapons well enough to be more of a danger to your enemies than yourself. Learn to ride a motorcycle, as they are more versatile than autos. Bullets will become less and less effective unless you can make your own and can repair guns. Same with bows. Bows may seem pretty simple and obvious, but in actuality, it takes a lot of skill and training to make one. A big dog would be a huge advantage here. Your third priority should be to slay-slay-slay. But try hard to determine if there are different kinds of vampires. Remember, irony is a killer. In the novel, the hero kills vampires indiscriminately, not realizing that some are actually sentient and civilized. They see him as the DayKiller, a monster that slays in the daylight when they are helpless. So the last man on earth becomes a bogey man, a legend.

In any case, good luck with the whole vampire slaying thing, but consider seeing a therapist first, because there are no such things as undead. Unless you count the potheads.

Learn more about this author, John Devera.
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