by Maryann Macleod

Created on: December 20, 2008

She thought the world was a cruel unforgiving place, that everyone had their own lives their own concerns and hers were not so important. That the world she lived in was not as important, not as good as theirs and so she was to live forever as she was. Lonely. Unforgiving. Painful. And safe. Only safe because she made it so, and she made it safe by making it more painful. More painful at the same time as less painful. Because the mental pain was so much stronger, so much more hurtful and so much harder to handle than the physical she used the physical to override the mental. And it worked. It worked so well that she came to rely on it, to rely on the physical pain as a release from the torturous reality that was her life.

I thought that girl was gone. She met someone who understood who could see through all her defences and who helped. I realised I was stronger than that girl, that her defences were only temporary and in realising that I realised that girl could be erased forever. I thought I could be saved. I thought I could forget that person and become someone different. i realise now that I was wrong. That girl did not disappear. She only grew up. I am still that girl, and I cannot deny it.

The use of physical pain to block mental pain is not only a defence mechanism, it is an addiction. We are both sick now, a simple flu or virus. I became sick first and I am not as strong as him, it has progressed further in me, to the point of passing out properly and still I stay awake at night to watch him. His breathing problem has begun to terrify me, I cannot bear the thought of waking up and him not, the thought of losing him is too painful to even comprehend. I am not sure whether it is from illness or tiredness but I feel severely ill and dizzy, to the point where I can barely type. I am attempting to use stargate atlantis to keep myself awake. I am so happy in this place, in this situation with just me and him, with none of the old troubles. And still the old desire burns in me, the desire for pain, for real physical pain to override the rest. I feel I need it to get rid of all those fears. The fear that my old best friend was right, that I ruin every relationship I have and especially the fear that someday through no fault other than my own that I will lose him, as I have lost so many others. The old desire calls me so strongly, so loudly it is nearly impossible to ignore. But he is still beside me. The reason I must stay awake and ignore my own needs and ailments,

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