by Mark Morford

Created on: December 19, 2008

Gifts for the Blessed

11 skewed ideas to make your holiday a bit more fun, strange, blasphemous

And it goes something like this:

1) President Obama, the front pages
Didn't really feel a need to buy a full-sized, framed cover of the SF Chron or USA Today from 11/5/08? Have yet to snap up any of a billion souvenirs, bottle openers, T-shirts, buttons or posters or condoms from Obamania, yet still crave some high-quality commemoration of the Day of Joyous Disbelief? Here you go.

It's a book, a collection of all those glorious newspaper front pages from November 5, 2008, a nice 9x12 glossy thing from the Poynter journalism people. They got 'em all, about 78 covers total, from the NYT to the Chron on down to the Chicago Jewish News and Tulsa World, way over to the Jakarta Post and El Colombiano. Of course they also have the best Obama front page of them all, that stunning, sepia-toned headshot from the Chicago Sun Times. Perfect.

Side note: This collection serves double duty. First as a spectacular memento of the most momentous American election/evolutionary leap in decades, but also as great reminder, a snapshot of that fleeting moment when millions of Americans rediscovered, for maybe the last time ever, the lyrical power of print newspapers.

2) Wi-Fi detector shirt
Because few things say "I never want to have sex and really love being 34 and living with my parents" than a battery-powered T-shirt that actually shows the signal strength of the Wi-Fi connection around your very being. Matches perfectly with your "Meh" or "got root?" megageek hoodie. Watch hot girls avoid you like water shuns oil! Fun at all those parties you will never be invited to.

3) Gasoline storage tank
Genius! Fill your backyard reservoir with cheap gas right now, then chortle gleefully when 2010 comes and your friends are all paying 10 bucks a gallon to fill up their wimpy Prii, and suddenly there's you, roaring out to the Home Depot parking lot and burning donuts in your '96 Camaro filled with $1.19 unleaded. Dude! Foresight!

Don't forget to loiter around your tank as frequently as possible in your spare time, smoking a lot and flinging lit matches at the nozzle. You're indestructible!

4) Blasphemy: The Board Game
What covers nearly six square feet and costs 100 bucks and features various multicolored Jesus figurines, and the winner is the one who gets to be crucified first? No, not the carpet in Jerry Falwell's dorm room in hell, silly. It's Blasphemy, the board game.

Yes, now everyone gets to play a

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