by Barbara Whitlock

Created on: December 19, 2008   Last Updated: March 29, 2009

Toddler behavior sometimes wears combat boots. But it's best to avoid combat as much as possible. Unfortunately a toddler's emerging assertiveness is met all too often with parents all too eager to assert their authority. This article will outline strategies to avoid such tussles, as well as arm parents for necessary battles.

Avoid direct questions which increase chances of a "no"

All toddlers resist parents and learn to hurl a "no" your way as often as opportunity allows. Reduce opportunities by not asking direct questions. Honor their sense of emerging autonomy by giving choices, choices which move the child toward your goals. Examples:

* Would you like to brush your teeth or put on your PJs first while I get your bedtime story surprise ready?

* Do you think it's a day for wearing dresses or pants? (Let's go find some!)

* Let's eat all our food backwards tonight. I usually eat my broccoli first, but tonight I'm eating my chicken first. Which is backwards for you?

* Should we run or skip to the car?

* Shall we sing or hop while we pick up the toys?

The key to avoiding a no is to be smart ahead of time. Anticipate the probability of a no. Give choices to avert disaster, but choices never work after your toddler is already resisting. If you offer a choice after the "no" you risk exposing your strategy. Beware! Be mindful and proactive.

Know your toddler's temperament

All toddlers develop a sense of their autonomy from parents. This forms a gradual individuation process which continues through adolescence (and sometimes longer for some adults). Yet the way toddlers express this striving sense of autonomy varies depending on temperament. All toddlers are individuals, but for simplicity's sake, let's group them:

Easy toddlers: These toddlers reply well to distraction and love. When they say no they leave a window open. A tickle, a song or an enthusiastic diversion (want to have a cookie break?) may work. If not, some sympathy can go far. "You're frustrated. Let's try something else for now."

Medium toddlers: These types can blow or be persuaded either way. Often it depends on other factors. Are they tired? Are they hungry? Tackle those challenges first, rather than the issue they are resisting. See if that helps. Employ strategies for easy or tough toddlers depending on their mood.

Tough toddlers: You know the type - the ones who leave you feeling you can never do anything right. They are hard to win over to your "team." There is a law of physics (and genetics) in this: Tough

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