by Ann Marie Dwyer

Created on: December 18, 2008

You know he heard you. Yet, he is going in the opposite direction. Your two-year-old is ignoring you. But, why?

Why is my two-year-old ignoring me?

Two-year-olds are discovering their autonomy. Being assertive is an integral part of that autonomy. Be comforted by knowing they do it with the people they trust the most: You.

Impulse control is not yet fully formed. When you tell your child not to chase the cat, he is not going to be able to think about anything else. When you ask her to hand you the trash she just picked up, she is going to run away giggling.

What should I do when he ignores me?

Eventually, he will have to listen to you, and leave the cat alone. In the meantime, getting him to cooperate while giving his the safe opportunity to develop his autonomy is your balancing act.

Be realistic. Be clear. Keep it simple.

It's dinnertime. "Get ready for dinner." What are you asking? Two-year-olds do not have enough experience to understand this vague command. Instead try, "Wash your hands."

"Clean your room." This multi-step process is far beyond your child's understanding. "Put your books on the shelf," she understands.

Realistically, your child can handle one and two step directives. He cannot grasp abstract concepts and complex instructions which require three or more successive steps.

Follow through.

Are his hands still dirty? Walk him to the sink and wash his hands. Are her books on the floor? Take her to the books and help her put them on the shelf.

Do not react to the ignoring. This validates the behavior as one which gets attention. Don't ignore the ignoring. Make the child comply with your direction.

Motivate compliance.

Your child should abide your requests because it is the right thing to do. You don't want him to do as he is told because he is afraid to not comply. Remember, "because I said so" is not a valid reason to do anything.

Two-year-olds crave praise. Compliments are valid currency. "Thank you for being a good listener," and "Great job putting away your books so quickly," are statements which will motivate your child to want to do the right thing.

Incentives are great motivators. "When you put your shoes in the closet, we can look at a book." Notice the first word: "When", not "if". "If" gives the element of choice, which should not exist. He must put the shoes in the closet.

Stickers and charts are another good motivator. A sticker or stamp is rewarded when you only have to request once. If she collects five, she gets a treat or an outing or a small toy.

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