Captain Ski Pants and The Snow Jobbers. (Based on a true story)
Scene: With his wife Shelley off to visit her mother, RON has to deal with dressing his 4 daughters ANN (age 8), CLEO (age 7) and the wins CARRIE and TERRI (both age 5) for school. As well as a freak snowstorm and an active telephone. The action takes place in the landing between the living room and the front door.
CLEO: Dad! It's the phone! The phone is ringing!
RON: (Off) I'm in the laundry room. Answer it!
CLEO: You want me to answer it?
RON: (Sticking his head out) Please! I'm trying to find some socks for the twins.
CLEO: They are wearing socks!
RON: Just answer the phone, please!
CLEO: (Into phone) Hello! Oh, Hi Mom! Uh huh! Uh huh!
CARRIE and TERRI run down the stairs.
CARRIE: Is that Mommy?
TERRI: Ask her if she is bringing me home something from Grandmas!
CLEO: Sheesh! Be quite! I am on the phone!
RON: (Off) Who is it? Is it your mother?
CLEO: It's Mom! She heard it snowed here. Do you want to talk to her?
CARRIE: I want to talk! I want to talk!
CLEO: Carrie! Shooosh! You are yelling too loud! Mom? When are you coming....
RON: (Entering the room. To the twins) Good! You are here. Put these socks on!
TERRIi: We have socks on! See!
RON: Those are summer socks and they don't match! And why are you wearing pajama bottoms, Terri?
CARRIE: Are you driving us to school?
RON: I will if you don't get ready for the bus right now!
CLEO: Dad? Mom wants to talk with you!
RON: (To CLEO) Thank you! Now go to the laundry room and bring out those ski pants.
CLEO: I'm not wearing snow pants!
RON: Go get them and bring them out!
CLEO: I'll get them but I'm not wearing them!
RON: (To himself) God give me strength! (Into phone) Hello? ... Hi Shelley! How's your Mom?... That's good! ... Yeah! It started snowing around 9 or 10 last night and hasn't stopped yet. Ann woke up around 4 and listened to the radio for school closings, but they say the buses are still running this morning, so I don't know! I found all the ski pants from our trip to Michigan. I threw them in the dryer to warm them up and shake the dust off... Well! If Ann's doesn't fit she can wear yours... they are not that big! She's getting tall. They should fit.... Oh just let me give her yours to wear... I bet she will! I bet she will wear them.
ANN: (Off) I will not!
RON: Ann! Stop eavesdropping and come down here and help the twins get dressed. Bring Terri some warmer pants. The bus is going to be here in just a little while and I want all of you ready!
CLEO: Since you are driving the twins to pre-school... why don't you take US to school, too?
RON: Because I will be late for work and... Oh! (To phone) Sorry, Honey! It's starting to be a madhouse here. Call me back after awhile... I will! (He hangs up)
CARRIE: Let me talk to Mommy! Cleo said I could talk to Mommy!
CLEO: I did not!
RON: Your mother is going to call you back right after school. But there will be no school if you don't hurry up and get dressed.
ANN: That would be fine with me!
CARRIE: That would be fine with me!
RON: Stop it, Ann! Now come down here and get the snowsuits for the twins and help me put them on and... (She appears)... YOU GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CHANGE THAT SHIRT!
ANN: I want to wear it!
RON: You are not wearing a shirt that says 'Miss Sassy' to school!
ANN: But Grandma bought it for me at the mall!
RON: Not today!
(Phone rings)
CLEO: The phone is ringing!
RON: Well? Pick it up and answer it! (To ANN) Now go upstairs and put on a long sleeve turtle neck and a sweater.
CLEO: Hello? Oh..Hi Grandma! Yes!... Yes! We still have school!... Dad! It's Grandma. She wants to talk to you!
ANN: Ask Grandma! She will say it's OK!
RON: She is not in charge here! Go put on a turtle neck and a sweater! Now! And Cleo....
CLEO: I know... a turtle neck and a sweater! And can I wear my ski pants?
RON: Yes you can! Get dressed!
ANN: I'm not wearing Moms!
RON: Yes, you are! Now go upstairs and change quick and then come downstairs and help with the twins! (Into the phone) Hello? Oh, hi Mom!... It's a little busy here! We are all getting ready to leave the house.... Yes! I know it's snowing! But they still have school today!... No! No! Don't come over! We are OK! The kids are almost dressed and I am ready to get out the door... No Mom! I am taking off from work after lunch! Someone will be home when the kids get back from school, I promise!... No! No, Mom! It's a snowy mess outside and you don't need to get caught out in it! And...what? ..What? ANNE! GET OFF THE PHONE! YOU CAN NOT WEAR THAT SHIRT..SO GET OFF AND GET DRESSED LIKE I TOLD YOU!... What? What's wrong with the shirt you bought? It's a T-shirt! And it says Miss Sassy!... I don't care if kids are wearing those things in all the magazines... NOT AT SCHOOL!.. Yeah..real funny, Mom! I know what I wore to school that day and I have been living it down for years, ever since... But Shelley is going to be gone for 2 more days and I am making all the decisions here and... No! No, MOM! Stay at home. Do not come over here in this mess! We are fine... Look! I gotta go.. Mom goodbye..bye..Love ya..call ya later! (Hangs up) Sheeeesh!
ANN: (Re-eneters) How is this?
RON: Fine..er..Great! Thank you! Now please, don't fight me and do this for your Mom's sake...put on the ski pants!
ANN: I'll only wear them if they fit!
RON: Deal!
CLEO: How do I look, Daddy?
RON: Just fine, Cleo! Do you have a scarf and gloves?
CLEO: They are all in the glove drawer by the hall closet!
RON: Then get them. Get everyone's!
ANN: (With ski pants on) I don't think they fit!
RON: They fit!
CLEO: They look great! Can I get a new pair, Daddy?
RON: You can have Ann's!
CLEO: I don't like hers.. I want my own...
RON: That's it! THAT IS IT! Everybody line up! I am going to hand out 1 pair of gloves, 1 scarf, one hat and one pair of earmuffs to each of you. I don't want to hear any yelling about colors, or sizes or whatever! Then you will put on your coat...
CARRIE: But Daddy! I'm not wearing a coat...
RON: ...Or zip up your snow suits if you don't have a coat! And let's get ready for school.
(They all fall in order and dress up in scarves, hats, ear muffs, coats and all. At the last second CLEO and ANN exchange hats!)
CLEO: Her hat matched my coat!
RON: Good are we ready?
TERRI: Don't we need shoes?
ANN: Hey yeah!
CLEO: Dad! Where are our boots?
RON: Your boots?
(Phone rings)
RON: Hello! SHELLEY! We are all set and almost out the door! One question.. (whispers in phone) where are all the snow boots? THE ATTIC? I know! I know! OK! Here.. talk to the kids!
CARRIE grabs the phone.
CARRIE: Hi Mom! It's snowing!... We got dressed by ourself... Ann is wearing your pants... your snow pants.... they look ok..she must be getting fat!
ANN: (Taking the phone) Stop that! Hi Mom! When are you coming home?
TERRI: I want to talk!
CARRIE: It's getting hot! I want to take off my coat!
CLEO: NO, Carrie!
CARRIE: I want to take off my coat!
CLOE: Dad says keep them on!
TERRI: I'm getting hot!
ANN: Here! Terri! Talk to Mom!
TERRI: (Taking the phone) Hi! Mom! Can I take off my snowsuit?..huh?..Ok..Mommy! I will..bye bye! (Hangs up) Mommy says to stay dressed until Daddy gets back!
RON: (Re-entering) Here are all the boots.
ANN: Here's mine!
CLEO: Here's mine and here are the twins!
RON: Put the twins boots on first then put yours on! Whew! Now where did your Mother go?
TERRI: She hung up! But she said to stay dressed!
RON: Good!
CARRIE: Daddy/ Aren't you going to wear your snowsuit?
RON: No Baby! I have a meeting and Daddy has to wear a suit and... (Cellphone rings) Ron Roberts! May I help you?... It is? No meeting?.. Switched to next Friday?.. Check the what?... Thank you..good bye! (Turns to his daughters) Ladies! Follow me!
(They head off to the living room. Ron turns on the TV and it announce...)
ANN & CLEO: All schools closed today! YAY!
RON: Terri! Now you can get out of all those hot clothes!
TERRI: Un-huh! I want to go outside and play!
OTHERS: Can we? Can we, Dad? I want to make a snow angel. I want to build a snowman!
RON: Yes! But stay in the front yard! ...Til I get my snowsuit on and we can play!
(They all yell out loud!)