by Robert Griffith

Created on: December 16, 2008   Last Updated: January 13, 2009

Positive thinkers, despair. Here are ten reasons to limber up your wrists - or at least a couple of fingers - so you can safely wave bye-bye to your economic stability and avoid a sprain.

10. There can only be one President at a time, and until mid-January 2009, that would be George W. Bush, who, in one of many charming and revealing past moments observed, "We are working hard to bring the solution to an end."

9. Henry Paulson, the current Secretary of the Treasury and a former banker, has grifted his banking buddies with a generous going-away gift wrapped in strings so weak that most of them were melted by air friction as $350 billion dollars flew out of American taxpayer's pockets and disappeared into a violently gurgling vortex of red ink and whipped air which unaccountably appeared in the accounting departments of large banks while their management and government overseers took a nap together in a private jet on the tarmac in Nassau. Mr. Paulson accomplished this feat with a masterful display of running around in circles while waving both hands in the air and screaming his lungs out, then stopping in front of a microphone just long enough to sweat profusely, look haggard, and scream "Doom!" But Wait! There's More! Another $350 billion is also available at the discretion of the current administration. In this instance, discretion does not mean what you think it does. If it did, these funds would be safe.

8. Vice President Dick Cheney, still affectionately referred to by his former Halliburton Industries co-workers simply as "God," recently observed that the violently gurgling vortex of blood and exploding air which unaccountability-ly but nonetheless deliberately appeared in Iraq and subsequently sucked in large amounts of cash and pro-Bush American voters -both of which disappeared - was absolutely necessary and would have gone on even if the intelligence they relied on to make that costly decision was defective. This did prove to be the case, on so many levels that most Americans choose not to think about it in order to avoid the attendant vertigo induced by trying to make sense out of Spin. Halliburton, in the meantime, has purchased Nassau and paved it in tarmac.

7. At a recent George W. Bush news conference in Iraq, an Iraqi reporter announced Iraq's intention to pay America back the costs of the war in shoes. "Phil Knight the shoe salesman", the successor to "Joe the Plumber," immediately announced opposition to the proposal, noting it would plunge tens

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