by Don Howard

Created on: December 16, 2008

Things I'll Go To Hell For

As I understand from my formative years spent on my knees in the Lord's Catholic house, it is much easier to get to Hell than it is to get to Heaven. The road to hell may indeed be paved with good intentions, but apparently the road to Heaven is paved with the bodies of well meaning, but ultimately flawed, sinners. I'm almost certain I'll join their ranks one day. In fact, this essay may help send me along my wayward path to the roaring fires of Hades but, believe me, it's just one more straw on the long-suffering camel's back. Hopefully it's not the one that causes him to fold like a lawn chair. Although I can't account for every straw, I can at least cover some of those that have made the camel's legs wobble.

The Good Book says to turn the other cheek.. My temperament leads me more toward turning the cheek of the other guy with a well-placed right hook. This is bad. As anyone who sat through the bloody and sadistic film "The Passion Of The Christ" can attest, Jesus can definitely take a punch. I, on the other hand, am not nearly as tough and need to get my licks in before being knocked unconscious. Although, in its defense, turning the other cheek does allow for symmetrical facial bruising.

The Good Book says to love those who hate me. I know I should heed this advice, but I refuse, under any circumstances, to join the Republican Party.

The Good Book says to love thy neighbor as thyself. Apparently whoever wrote this never lived in my neighborhood. Mrs. Nussbaum is alright, but the rest of those bastards can fry in Hell as far as I'm concerned. I surely hope those loud and obnoxious miscreants will reside in a different section of Hell than me. Probably not though since I'm pretty sure that's why they call it Hell.

The Good Book says, "Whoever compels you to go one mile, go with him two." With the price of gas nowadays, he better be either doing the driving, or packing heat.

The Good Book says that if someone takes your cloak to give him your coat too. First of all, if someone took my cloak I wouldn't know it for a long time. This is because I don't know exactly what a cloak is and if I have one, I haven't worn it in years. Secondly, if you give away your coat where I live, you'll quickly ice over and die. So I'm not sure if I get half a point for this one since I am, technically, willing to surrender something I'm not sure I have.

The Good Book says, "Whosoever shall say unto this mountain be thou removed and be thou cast into the sea, he shall have whatsoever he saith". Okay, I have to admit, I don't know what the hell this means. There's a lot of this kind of talk in the bible; another thing that may lead you straight to Hell. Imagine trying to follow a road map to Heaven that has turn-by-turn directions with phrases like, "he who arises on the Sabbath and delves not in the wicked but turns to the mountain will surely taste the oasis and be one with the sea." Yes, but do I take a right here, or a left?

So, I'm pretty sure that if the RC Church told me the truth all those years ago that I've got about as much chance of not going to hell as Dick Cheney. The only ace I've got up my sleeve is where the Good Book says, and I'm paraphrasing, that it's easier for a fat guy to fit in the trunk of a Mini Cooper than it is for a rich guy to get to heaven. So apparently that's one thing I'm doing right.

Learn more about this author, Don Howard.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.