It was a beautiful winter day at the North Pole toy factory. It was 75 degrees in December due to global warming, and winds were E/NE at 5 to 10 MPH. The elves were all snuggled in their tanning beds, with visions of stimulus checks dancing in their heads.
Christmas bonuses were quite unlikely this year, as all was not well at Claus Brothers Enterprises. Santa didn't really have a brother, but the southern branch of Claus Brothers was headed up by longtime friend Yukon Cornelius, and was based in Mexico. Cornelius kept a low profile, as he was constantly hounded by rumors of elves in his workforce actually being underage children.
Anyway, Santa's sleigh was in the North Pole MAACO again, being serviced by Joe the Mechanic elf. Joe rotated the reindeer every 100,000 miles and returned the sleigh to Santa, but it clearly had little mileage remaining in it. The sleigh had never conformed to Environmental Protection Agency standards, and had been recalled several times over the years due to faulty lighting in Rudolph's nose.
Rudolph was another story altogether. In the beginning all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, and Rudolph was eventually diagnosed with depression, and was treated with Zoloft. Rudolph was warned that if dimness in his nose was to occur for up to four hours he should consult his doctor, but he continued to use the medication.
All of the other reindeer had their own issues, and they were making headlines. Just after the elections Vixen was arrested in California on an alleged prostitution charge, while Dancer and Prancer were looking for a state where they could be legally married. When you add to that Blitzen's recent stint in Promises Rehab Center for an egg nog abuse problem, you can see why no one was rocking around the Christmas tree this year.
Elsewhere in the toy factory, veteran elf Hermie completed a condensed two-year job placement course during summertime elf layoffs and became certified in dentistry. Other disgruntled elf workers had reportedly been making terrorist threats toward Santa Claus.
And considering his sleigh problems, Santa had turned to alternative methods of toy delivery in recent years. Grinch Airlines advised Santa to have his Christmas shipments there by Labor Day at the latest, and airline regulations required that he put all of his toys in clear, plastic bags for delivery, which increased overhead expenses. This always made Claus arrive at Labor Day check-in in ill humor. "You mean they're playing Christmas music on the radio already?" he complained.
Santa had been feeling the pressure, and his image had been taking a beating. He hired a personal trainer, and had gotten himself down to a lean, mean, buff, cut, chiseled and jacked 6' 2" tall, and 190 pounds. This upset many of the younger children and their parents and led to steroid accusations, after photos surfaced of Santa balancing toddlers on each bicep.
Meanwhile back at the North Pole, everyone was awaiting Santa Claus' arrival for his annual Christmas Newsletter: The Audio Version. Reindeer games came to a sudden halt as Santa's private jet touched down. It had been a gift from CEOs at GM, Ford, and Chrysler, who duped Claus into believing they were the three wise men.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa stepped off his private jet and began to say, "The news this year is not so merry. We will be forced to downsize our employees because the First National Bank of the Island of Misfit Toys has foreclosed on the workshop mortgage."
"Downsized?" said Hermie. "Aren't we short enough?"
After firing him, Santa gave the little elf a nice severance package and continued. "Unfortunately we are behind in the War on Christmas. The axis of evil; Walmart/Toys R Us/ Costco are outselling us due to our high shipping prices. And if we can't reduce expenses, corporate toy stores have won. All we are saying, is give Claus a chance."
Claus concluded his speech, then extended his arms and gave everyone the double peace sign. Then he boarded his jet and returned to Mexico.
Earlier, due to equal opportunity laws at the North Pole, Santa had been required to hire one more elf. It was clear from his first day that this elf was not like all the other elves. He brought hope and optimism to the workshop, and all of the other elves seemed to like him.
"He's got a deep voice for a little guy too," said Hermie.
"This hope and change business he speaks of, does it make sense?" asked Santa.
"I don't know," replied Hermie. "But people feel better having something to believe in. A lot of people still believe in you, so why don't you give him a chance?"
"I guess you're right," answered Santa. "By the way, didn't I fire you?"
"Lighten up, will you?" said the elf. "It's Christmas! And we'll see you in the office for a cleaning in six months."
"In that case, I guess there's only one thing left to say," said Santa.
"May your days be merry and bright,
And may all your teeth and your Christmases be white."
Merry Christmas.