by Bob Holt

Created on: December 15, 2008   Last Updated: December 18, 2008

It was a beautiful winter day at the North Pole toy factory. It was 75 degrees in December due to global warming, and winds were E/NE at 5 to 10 MPH. The elves were all snuggled in their tanning beds, with visions of stimulus checks dancing in their heads.

Christmas bonuses were quite unlikely this year, as all was not well at Claus Brothers Enterprises. Santa didn't really have a brother, but the southern branch of Claus Brothers was headed up by longtime friend Yukon Cornelius, and was based in Mexico. Cornelius kept a low profile, as he was constantly hounded by rumors of elves in his workforce actually being underage children.

Anyway, Santa's sleigh was in the North Pole MAACO again, being serviced by Joe the Mechanic elf. Joe rotated the reindeer every 100,000 miles and returned the sleigh to Santa, but it clearly had little mileage remaining in it. The sleigh had never conformed to Environmental Protection Agency standards, and had been recalled several times over the years due to faulty lighting in Rudolph's nose.

Rudolph was another story altogether. In the beginning all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names, and Rudolph was eventually diagnosed with depression, and was treated with Zoloft. Rudolph was warned that if dimness in his nose was to occur for up to four hours he should consult his doctor, but he continued to use the medication.

All of the other reindeer had their own issues, and they were making headlines. Just after the elections Vixen was arrested in California on an alleged prostitution charge, while Dancer and Prancer were looking for a state where they could be legally married. When you add to that Blitzen's recent stint in Promises Rehab Center for an egg nog abuse problem, you can see why no one was rocking around the Christmas tree this year.

Elsewhere in the toy factory, veteran elf Hermie completed a condensed two-year job placement course during summertime elf layoffs and became certified in dentistry. Other disgruntled elf workers had reportedly been making terrorist threats toward Santa Claus.

And considering his sleigh problems, Santa had turned to alternative methods of toy delivery in recent years. Grinch Airlines advised Santa to have his Christmas shipments there by Labor Day at the latest, and airline regulations required that he put all of his toys in clear, plastic bags for delivery, which increased overhead expenses. This always made Claus arrive at Labor Day check-in in ill humor. "You mean they're playing

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