by Chris Messner

Created on: December 15, 2008

Any relationship between two or more people is a product of the interaction between their individual personalities. One could say that parents have a huge role in developing their children's personalities, but, as children grow, their own innate qualities and interaction with others outside their immediate families are also significant factors in determining the type of adults they'll become.

In general, I believe, a parent's perspective is this: I've known my child since he was a baby. Even though he's an adult now, I'll always have a tendency to see him as a child, because I raised him; he WAS a child for a very long time. And, although I'm no longer involved in his day-to-day affairs, I'll always be concerned about him: Is he eating right, getting enough rest, driving carefully, doing OK at work?

That perspective applies to me. My children are adults now, but, from time to time, they seek advice or need some help, which is usually money. As a rule, they initiate the contact. I will try to reach them only after not having heard from them for an extended period. I love my children so much I can feel it in my chest, but I have my own life to live. It's pretty cluttered as it is; I don't think I could handle the responsibility of having to parent my grown children. But I'm there for them if they need me.

That aspect of our relationship has added significance for me. My father left me, my sister and my pregnant mother when I was 10 years old. Although he lived another 30-plus years, we never saw him again. I know he "loved" us in a curious sort of way that defies easy explanation, but the bottom line is that he was not there when his children needed him most. I decided, early on, that that was never going to happen with me and my children.

The child's perspective is different, obviously. Most people don't recall their early years unless they were exceptionally bad years. When a child's personality starts to expand toward adulthood, parents and children often clash. This adversarial relationship lasts a long time, perhaps until the child is out of the house and, in some cases, long afterward. Kids want to do things on their own without their parents hovering over them constantly. Sometimes, a child's desires lead to dangerous or destructive activities. A parent can be torn between allowing children to experience life's ups and downs, while trying to educate them, keep them safe, and still be treated respectfully by the children.

Some parents and children maintain an

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