I recently read "Submission is Not a Foul Word" written by Candace Cameron Bure written for her monthly column "Candid Candace" for "Christian Women Online". She is a talented writer who defends her beliefs well and answers the reader's question gently and directly. She backs up her answer with passages from the bible yet I disagree with the advice she gave based on her interpretation of how to be a "godly wife". (Click on the above link to read Candace's complete article.) Having been raised a Roman Catholic who attended Catholic high school, I spent two years studying the old and new testaments, one year studying church history and the final year tying three years learning to our everyday lives.
I agree with Candace that despite what society dictates, men and women were created equal but different. I do not agree that successful marriages come about from the wife submitting to him as the head of the household or the authority figure. This implies that the husband has authority over the wife as well and that thought does not sit well with me. I also do not believe that that is what God intended. In Genesis, God created Eve from Adam not as a sign of his dominance over her, but to represent that they are two parts of a whole, and created in the image of God. Many Christian ceremonies today have incorporated the lighting of a Unity candle, where the bride and groom light a stick from two separate, identical candles and simultaneously light a single, larger candle. This symbolizes two halves coming together as a whole. Two souls becoming one.
The theory of submission goes against that basic concept by implying that the whole is created by a greater then half joining a less then half. If the wife was created to be a helpmeet for the husband, then the family structure becomes a hierarchy with the husband on top as the final authority followed by the wife then children. He has the power to override her decisions or impose his will if he feels it is in her best interest. Candace mentioned that her husband "doesn't take advantage of me, but rather gains respect for me, and chooses to love and honor me as I do him". The key word in the statement is that he CHOOSES to treat her the way she treats him. What would she do if he didn't choose to? Would she tolerate boorish behavior because her interpretation of the bible teaches her to submit herself to her husband, the authority figure? Or would she stand up for herself and demand to be treated with equal respect. She refers to her marital relationship as a "chain of command" which carries tones of bureaucracy I don't feel belong in marriage. I'm glad her marital relationship is a loving one with mutual respect and unconditional love. I hope those basic qualities never change as the years roll by.
The thing that everyone seems to forget is that the bible was created by a counsel of men who had the task of accepting or rejecting books for the final bible that we all have on our book shelves today. As a double major in English and History, I've been able to look at several of the texts that were omitted, including the Gospel of Mary Magdalene and the story of Adam's first wife, Lilith. The counsel chose texts that supported their own agenda where males dominated females and non submissive females were silenced or destroyed. Mary Magdalene, who I came to believe was actually married to Jesus (long before the DaVinci code came out in book or film) was portrayed as a reformed prostitute rather then who she truly was. The prostitute that Jesus saved was an entirely different woman yet the early church melded the two women into one. The bible alone is extremely biased toward the idea that women are not only subservient to men but are in general held to a higher moral standard then their male counterparts. Why? Because it was written by men to further sustain a patriarchal society.
In marriage, the husband and wife are two equal halves of a whole. Male and female are living representatives of ying and yang, or balance. One is not superior to the other but rather one compliments the other. I believe that God created woman not to supplement man, but the complete man. God gave women the ability to bear children to allow families to grow and maternal and paternal bloodlines to continue. He made them strong to handle the physical pain of childbirth and the emotional pain that accompanies conflict and tragedy with in families. He gave them a strong intuition to monitor family life and instinct to know what to do next. Without Mary, Jesus never would have been. Without Mary's strength, instinct, and intuition, Jesus would not have developed to fulfill his destiny. What the bible doesn't tell you is how a young Jesus made mistakes and did some pretty awful things. Mary and Joseph worked together as a team to guide him back on the path of righteousness. It wasn't that Joseph put his foot down and Mary went along. Joseph filled his role as the provider, and Mary fulfilled her role as nurturer and they came together as a team to make decisions concerning their lives together and how to raise their assorted children.
A "happy" marriage is based on trust, communication, and a balance of power between the spouses. There will be times where the husband will step up and take charge and there are times the wife will step up and take charge. Realistically, the wife runs the household since has traditionally made decisions concerning the running of the house and the care and nurturing of the children. Traditionally, the husband goes to work and earns an income to support the family. In families where the wife also works, she takes on the added responsibility of being a partial provider.
I believe that communication more then submission is the key to a successful marriage. Couples need to take the time to look at their separate lives and discuss how to best merge them into one life. Do they want to start a family? Will one or both parents continue to work? Will one spouse move in with the other or will they buy a new place together? God gave us free will and a means of communication for a reason. A submissive wife will voice her opinion then ultimately go along with her husband's final decision. A communicative woman will challenge her husband until they can reach a happy medium that works for both of them. This manner of compromise reinforces respect between both husband and wife and deters resentment. In the end it will bring them closer together by forcing them to examine to analyze themselves and share what they find with their partner resulting in the strengthening of their unconditional love for one another. This, I believe, is God's plan.