by Ann Dennis

Created on: December 15, 2008

Divorce and Custody are two of the most terrifying words in the English language. There are good arguments on both sides for either the mother or father to have total custody or some part of the child rearing.

The sad truth is that while I mostly support a father having equal custody, I honestly believe that both parents should take evaluations, parental training, and divorce mitigation training, before custody is assigned. The resulting collection of information would clarify what is in the best interests of the child.

That is where society fails.
The child is too often a pawn in a power struggle that will eventually destroy the fragile life and personality of that child. Many men and women only want the child to hurt the other spouse. This is wrong. Many times a woman and the children have been abused by the man that they should be able to trust only to be dragged into danger by the court system by being forced to allow this dangerous person free contact to hurt them again.
Of course, the abuse can be the woman, and a man, currently, has almost no way of protecting his children from the woman because the courts, usually, leave the children with the mother until the custody arrangements are made. When a man tries to implement the court order, he is put off, or accused of molesting his children.

Whichever parent wins in this power struggle the child/children lose. We need to support parents and try to help them learn to work together to put their children first. If we are able to do so we won't have these debates about who should get custody because the parents will be able to decide that and move on with their lives. It is not the divorce that hurts children it's the parents that don't consider the effect of their struggle that hurt children.

A child needs to see how adults behave so he/she can learn how to behave. They watch what the adults do. In a perfect world, all children would see loving parents working out problems rather than running to divorce court. The children would possibly hear raised voices but would also see his parents kiss and makeup. In a perfect world, she would see her parents dance in the moonlight and would have her daddy sit on the side of her bed and read her a story. She would sleep knowing that her mommy will sneak in and quietly pull up the rumpled blanket and kiss her good night.When the family breaks down society cannot be far behind. Isn't that what we are seeing? We need to start with helping divorced parents raise their children and allowing the ex-spouse to have a beneficial part in the raising and training of each child. Good fathers should not be penelized because they did not give birth. And Good mothers seeking a better life by getting away from an abuser should not have to worry that the courts will put her children in the abusers hands.

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