The Exchange Line
(An homage to Monty Python)
Scene: A Man steps up to the Exchange Counter located on the bottom floor of a Men's Clothing Store.
Salesman: Well! Out and about after that lingering hangover from some Boxing Day celebration I imagine?
Customer: What? What was that?
Salesman: Good morning!
Customer: Oh! Good morning!
Salesman: Good morning, Sir! Are you lost, looking for the WC or just here for an exchange?
Customer: Well to be perfectly honest, I would like to return a couple of items. This tartan blazer and this cashmere plum scarf!
Salesman: Very good, Sir! Do you have a receipt?
Customer: Why no! These items were Christmas presents that were purchased at this store and I would like to return them.
Salesman: I'm afraid that I will need a receipt.
Customer: Well! I don't have any receipt because they were gifts, but they were purchased at this store and I am sure...
Salesman: No receipt, eh?
Customer: Why no! But I am sure that you have some sort of record of the purchase if I give you the name of the purchaser!
Salesman: Oh... right... the name of the purchaser!
Customer: Yes! Her name was Alice...
Salesman: In Wonderland, was it?
Customer: I beg pardon?
Salesman: Alice in Wonderland, perhaps?
Customer: No! Alice Crumpler. She is my sister-in-law!
Salesman: I am sure she is. But I can not accept any merchandise without a receipt!
Customer: But, as I was saying before, these were gifts and there was no receipt in the box!
Salesman: Then we have reached a conundrum!
Customer: A what?
Salesman: A conundrum, Sir! Our store policy specifically states that anyone wishing to make an exchange must have a receipt.
Customer: And as I said earlier... Wouldn't your department have some sort of record of purchases made through a data base? Perhaps a computer file of the sales transaction collected through a bar code?
Salesman: A Computer file?
Customer: You do use computers here, don't you?
Salesman: I believe we do. There was a large stack of empty boxes by the back gate when I started here. They were next to a pile Abaci!
Customer: Abaci?
Salesman: Plural of abacus... a rudimentary calculating machine from the Middle Ages.
Customer: You mean Summaria around 2500 years ago!
Salesman: Well if you knew all that why did you ask?
Customer: What I am asking is for a return of these items.
Salesman: What's wrong with them?
Customer: Oh, then you will take them back?
Salesman: No! I am just asking what is the problem with the said items that I may or may not determine to be returnable?
Customer: Is there a manager on this floor?
Salesman: I am the assistant manager. The manager is presently restocking items that were returned from holiday purchases. Items that were happily exchanged or returned at full value with the correct use of a receipt.
Customer: So let me get this straight! If I was to contact my wife's sister, ask for a receipt to a gift that she might have thought I would be quite pleased with, and tell her that in order for me to bank a bob or two on her generosity, I will need a receipt from her.
Salesman: That would end the conundrum as it were!
Customer: Look! What if I didn't want to hurt her feelings?
Salesman: Then you might possibly wear the things she purchased here, frolic up and down her block, all the while whistling Beethoven's Ode To Joy!
Customer: Well! What if I just asked if I make an exchange?
Salesman: Then in response I would just ask 'do you have a receipt?
Customer: Oh, bloody hell! What a waste of time to get out of bed and trudge downtown for this mess!
Salesman: Will there be anything else, Sir?
Customer: No! I suppose not! But don't expect me to me referring any of my friends here anytime soon.
Salesman: But if you do... remind them when they make a purchase to hold all receipts for prompt refunds and exchanges!
Customer: Bugger off! (He exits)
Salesman: Stupid Twit!
Manager: (Entering) Good morning, Nigel! Thanks for filling in from upstairs! We were short handed this morning. Any problems?
Salesman: Not in the least!
Manager: Who was that fellow?
Salesman: Someone who made a couple high end purchases before the holidays and wanted to thank me. Made quite a commission on that one.
Manager: Well! Then we better get you back upsatirs! I hear you don't like missing out on any commissions. Not even lose one!
Salesman: Very very very good, Sir!