Christmas Morning: A Merry Monologue
Man in the Santa Hat:
Ho! Ho! Ho! The bike is done. Started on it after 2 or 3 and just got done. Just in time. Kids up in less than 1/2 an hour, I imagine. Building a bike. I remember all my bikes were hand me downs. Unfortunately, I had an older sister... but that which does not kill us... by ridicule and a pack of neighborhood bullies... makes us stronger. And a vow that if ever I were to have a Son... after I got older and married... he definitely gets a boy's bike.
Married! Sheesh! She conked out on me by 2 am. I guess I was kind of ornery to her. But she kept spouting the directions over my shoulder. I know how to build a bike! I have taken quite a few apart and then put together again in my lifetime and ... why are there 3 nuts left over?
I'm hungry, but not hungry. I must have eaten that whole tray of cookies that my little one made right before bedtime. She'll be excited to see that Santa ate the ones on the plate on the table by the tree. The Tree! How long does this albatross have to take up space in the living room? I went overboard this year. Why is it that the size of the tree tends to correspond with the size of your
family? And are trees getting drier every year? Why are there so many needles on the floor. Did I water it recently? Of course I did! Did I? I ... I must be getting tired. Too late to head off to bed before they all wake up and tear through the wrapping paper... Oh yeah ... the wife wants me to bring in a trash bag and collect all the paper as the kids open their presents. Collect the paper? I remember past Christmases at my house... where the paper pile was 3 - 5 feet deep. We would lose my baby brother from breakfast all the way until lunch time under that huge heap of fire fodder. Wait! Is someone awake? No! I must be hearing things. {Yawn} I need more coffee! No! That's the last thing I need. I must have drank 2 pots full. All the caffeine has my heart racing. Maybe I'm having a small heart attack! Do I have enough life insurance? Wait! Stop it! I'm losing it! Stay focused, Boy! Stay focused!
Wow! The tree lights look really nice this year. I remember the old days. One bulb out... whole tree out! We had to check each one individually... and flock! We had a flock tree that one year. The tree couldn't have lights that year. No lights on flock. No lights on flock? That doesn't sound right! How about our tree that just had the blue lights and blue bulbs! Mom's Christmas dedication to Elvis the year he died! I come from a crazy family! Am I going to turn out that way? Am I going to sit around, call my kids long distance everyday just to babble about absolutely nothing?
Boy! The kids got a big haul this year. The wife must have been on quite a tear at the mall this year. Not looking forward to that credit card bill. Spoiled kids! I remember when I got one present and one present alone! {Starts to laugh to himself} Who am I kidding? I was spoiled like most of these kids today. They have their video games and their mp3 players... I got baseball mitts and footballs and stuff to play outside with... I never sat around inside and played some expensive game systems on my own TV in my room. That's the reason why kids are fat today! They need to get outside and exercise! Go to the park and play baseball and tag football and... Well! The parks can be kind of dangerous. All those predators and gangs and pit bulls... Pit bulls? I am losing it!
Maybe if I just lie down on the sofa for a couple of minutes... No! Then it's good night Irene! I'll just restack the presents. Maybe if I crumple some papers the kids will stir. No! Let them sleep!
Sleep! Sleeping on a Christmas morning! I never slept in on Christmas morning. It was Christmas morning for God's sake. {Laughs} God's sake! Happy Birthday, Jesus! Jesus and bikes! Jesus and bikes! I bet Jesus would never ride a girl's bike!
And on THAT note... ribbon on the handlebars... and off to bed. Wait! Is someone stirring? (pause) No! Not even a mouse!
(Starts off stage, looks back) Good job, Santa! {Yawns} Good night, Irene! (Stops) Why!... Good morning, Gang! What are you all doing up so early?