by Elaine Sihera

Created on: December 13, 2008

Q. All men care about is satisfying their needs, and not the person. What does it say about a "man" that keeps trying to go out with loose girls that are too young for him? It is destructive when he cannot even stay committed to one woman. Could you trust someone like this? I am in a mood today, but I feel men are dogs who only care about themselves. And you? Do you agree? Maybe it's because I have ahd a bad experience.

A. I have a couple of questions to ask you before I comment:
If you have a son or brother, would that statement apply to them too? Would it also apply to your father?

When we blanket people with negative and derogatory comments we tend to forget that stereotypes are awful things that do not take account of the individual, neither do they exclude your own family either! Men are no more dogs than women are dogs, and there must have been a lot of women who have hurt men too. There are wonderful men, great men, sad men and low confidence men. No gender has a monoply on goodness. The reason why the man behaves as you have mentioned is because he has a difficult problem connecting emotionally with people. When we are emotionally weak, three things are likely to happen:

1. We have a very strong desire to prove ourselves, usually at the expense of others. We do not care whom we hurt in he process simply because we lack the emotional depth to appreciate the sad consequences of our actions. We tend to close out their pain in order to cope. We expect others to behave like us and so tend to please ourselves, rather than taking their feelings into account. It is also difficult to give the necessary respect and commitment required to lovers and partners because those values are integral to emotional awareness. Hence we would not understand why our actions are not appropriate, or considered wrong, without complete re-education and genuine love from those we care about.

2. We become very selfish. It is all about our needs and we fail to see the hurt we cause others by ignoring their feelings, desires and perspectives. It is not a malicious thing or necessarily deliberate. Emotional deficiency is just like any other illness which has a root cause. This person perhaps had little love and affection in childhood, perhaps was neglected or not taught certain responsibilities, or perhaps was not affirmed and reinforced as a valued person. It is then difficult for him to treat others with any love, respect or genuine affection because he cannot relate to other people's

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