by Elaine Sihera

Created on: December 13, 2008

Should I make him remove his chain?

Q. My boyfriend wears two silver chains on his wrist and never takes them off - fair enough in my eyes!The only problem is, one of them is from his ex girlfriend, the mother of his child and says "R loves A" on it. He hasn't been with "R" for over five years now....he's just so used to wearing it! I get on very well with his ex and love his son as my own - so this is nothing to do with jealousy! I've hinted at it a couple of times but he's just brushed it off. Right, so, I want him to stop wearing this bloomin' chain! How should I ask him to take it off? Do you actually agree with me or do you think I should just let it go?

A. You might say that it is nothing to do with jealousy, but it is. Otherwise, you would not be at all bothered by it. The problem with any kind of jealousy is that it tends to destroy relationships by eating away at mutual trust and focusing on the perceived negatives while missing all the good things between the couple. He is not a child so you cannot make him stop wearing the chain unless he wants to, but you could lose him in the process if you keep pushing it.

Our past is very important to us. That past has helped your boyfriend to be the way he is, the man you like so much, and his past girlfriend helped to bring him to this point. Being jealous of a gift she gave him when they are no longer together, and he is clearly with you, is not worth your time and effort. I have three bracelets on my hand, all given by the significant men in my life and I would not part with any of them. They indicated that I was valued, loved and desired. They do not suggest that I still love or want any of my former partners. They are integral to my past and meant something in the giving, but they say nothing about my feelings now and where I am. Only my behaviour will indicate that. If any new man comes into my life to tell me to remove them, that would be negating what I value, ignoring my past, and dictating how I should behave. I would rather let them go than my bracelets because the first law of respect is to like that person as they are, not how we wish them to be. As you said, you met him with his chains and he courted you with his chains, having had that one for five years. Now you want him to take it off. Not good.

The only main thing which helps a relationship to last is giving each other SPACE to be who you are and wish to be. Anything else makes a relationship claustrophobic, causes undue anxiety and eventually

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