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I just can't believe that being with me would give him that, at least not for long. I can't believe it because I don't believe strongly enough in myself.

The worst part is, I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. How do I heal? I've been to therapists before. I'm a smart cookie. I can step outside of myself and tell them exactly what is wrong with the person sitting in front of them. I can tell you how, when, and why all of the bad stuff happened. The only thing I haven't been able to do is get over it.

I once told my mother "I've been through a lot. Say you break your leg and every year you break that same leg in the same spot for ten years. Even if that leg never gets broken again you are still going to have a limp for the rest of your life." And that limp would be a constant reminder, a constant source of fear - is my leg going to get broken again?

It was my heart and my spirit that were systematically, repeatedly, and methodically broken year after year after year. My heart beats with a limp. The spark of my spirit flickers with a bent flame. I am broken.

They say the only thing to fear is fear it's self. I used to try to face my fears, determined to be stronger than they were. I didn't want anything having that much control over me. Sometimes others don't know just how strong fear can be. It's difficult to fight off such a relentless, powerful enemy day in and day out. When you stop to regroup and collect yourself it can sneak up and jump you from behind.

Baby steps. Breath, and remember to just take baby steps.

There's no need to rush into anything. If he loves me as much as he says he does, then he should be fine with waiting to get married until I'm ready. (Although he was crushed when I pushed back the wedding date from May to "indefinate".)

Maybe I could work on one of my other fears first, like my fear of highly populated public places or driving in rush hour traffic....

Learn more about this author, Katrina Norman.
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