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I am afraid of that which I have wanted most my entire life, love. Throughout the years I have put myself out there, taken chances, risks; I have gotten hurt, and now I am afraid of love. I am afraid of happiness.

I am engaged to a wonderful man, yet I find myself feeling the uncontrolable urge to pull away. I find so many reasons to rationalize my fears, to justify my feelings... these are excuses I use to rationalize the irrational.

When I am honest with myself I can see the truth. My childhood sucked and I wasn't given the nurturing, love, or attention required to provide me with the tools to become a healthy, self-confident woman. My self-esteem was non-existant for the better three quarters of my life. I watched family members around me fail repeatedly in relationships. I was taught to believe that I had little to nothing to offer in the way of worth. With all of these wonderful lessons I developed a fear of what I wanted most: to be loved and accepted.

To love yourself first is the key. I learned that. After years of hard work not rebuilding, rather just building my self-esteem and self-worth I still have difficulty holding onto it.

When you open yourself up to loving and being loved, you risk being hurt because your heart is exposed. As deeply as you can feel joy, so too can you feel pain.

Lately, my walls have been wanting to build back up higher, thicker, and stronger with re-enforced beams, a mote, and that barbed wire on top like they have on prison fences. How dare he want to make all my dreams come true! How dare he say he will love me for the rest of his life. Doesn't he have any idea how scary that is?

My heart has been screaming silently with relived pain: All men leave eventually. Anyone who loves you will hurt you. You are only as good as what you can give, and once you have given everything you have you will once again be worthless.

Why does he even want to get married? His first marriage failed horribly. Why isn't HE afraid of commitment like any "normal" man; then I wouldn't have to worry about this so much? If I know he plans on leaving I can safeguard myself, prepare for the storm. It's when he says he isn't going anywhere that leaves me with the doubts, paranoia, worry.

The nice things he says to me sound like lies to my guarded, very wounded heart. I have a hard time believing "the good stuff". It's sad because there isn't anything he can do about it. I hurt him when I am this way, which isn't my intention. I love him. I want him to be happy.

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