What is the difference between discipline and punishment? The simplest definition of 'discipline' is 'to teach a child what is the right or wrong path and to choose the right path without fear or coercion'. On the other hand, 'punishment' is 'inflicting pain or embarrassment, or taking away something pleasurable to enforce behavior that is acceptable by the majority'.
Many a time, punishment is chosen over discipline as adults tend to associate wrong choices with defiance, disobedience and strong will but rarely with ignorance, a different thought pattern or even misguided reaction.
Do we want our children to be disciplined or fear doing wrong because of punishment? Project a few years down the road when our children are adults in the working world. Do we want them to be disciplined or punished when they do something wrong at work? Many a time, they would be given the punishment rather than the nurturing training an employer should provide.
One might argue that some children just will not learn unless they are punished. We have to ask ourselves what it is that we want these children to learn. Do we want them to associate fear and pain with wrongdoing? We probably would prefer them to understand why a course of action should not be taken and learn to make the right choice when faced with a similar circumstance in future.
Again, others might argue that they have already given the repeat offender a second chance with a warning that punishment would follow a repeat offence. Once again, is a warning sufficient in disciplining a child? Does the child understand why the action should not be repeated, or is he really acting out in defiance or ignorance the second time around?
Children would normally want to do the right thing. Many a time, they would try to guess what it is that a beloved adult wants them to do. Many a time, you will see a child eagerly pushing his way through, so that he could accomplish something for a favorite person, but in the process of doing so, carelessly knocks down a treasured vase. Everyone forgets that the boy has intended to be the first to open the door to let his beloved aunt in and to help her with the luggage.
Attention is diverted to the once priceless vase which in a moment of excitement which is interpreted as a moment of clumsiness, becomes a priceless heap of rubbish. Already flustered by the late announcement of her sister's sudden visit, the boy's mother vents her frustration sparked by the loss of a family heirloom on the bewildered boy and sends him to his bedroom. The poor boy can only imagine his siblings getting all the kisses and presents from his aunt while he sulks, dejected and alone, in his room.
Nobody has, unfortunately, noticed that this hyperactive boy has actually longer limbs than an average child and an abnormal spinal curve that keeps him off his balance. Should he be given punishment for something Mother Nature has dished out to him? Should he be taught that he should never run along a narrow corridor which is cluttered with what others might take as antiques?
Research has shown that children do not learn when they are threatened or fearful. Likewise, when children are asked why they do not want to repeat a wrongdoing for which they are punished, most would likely respond that they do not want to be punished again or that they do not want to make their parents or teachers unhappy or angry. They are very unlikely to give the reason why they should not repeat a wrongdoing.
On the other hand, children who are disciplined will give reasons why they would not repeat a wrongdoing. They will say that their action may cause injury to another person. They will say that vandalism dirties someone else's property and the owner will have to go through the inconvenience of getting their property cleaned up. They will also be able to explain that they will feel sad if they have to lose their beloved toy to a thief, so they will not want to steal and cause another person similar distress.
A Physical Education trainer once applied Pavlov's conditioning to her class. Instead of using a whistle or shouting as most teachers do, she used just hand signals to control her class during lessons. When the class respond within five seconds, she praises them. When her students fail to respond soon enough, she would take time off to let them 'practise' responding correctly and quickly to any hand signal. Her students love her lessons and prefer not to have the whistle blown into their ears, so within two weeks, all her classes learn to toe the line.
Andy has been in hot soup the past two years and has even been suspended from school a couple of times. He has a sensory integration disorder which prevents him from processing loud noises efficiently. His brain processes mess up when the noise that excited schoolmates generate during group discussions and recess activates his hyperactivity. His new teacher implemented time-out for him when she discovered that cause and effect. By and by, he learnt to ask for time-out when the class was too noisy. The short toilet break enabled his brain to return to equilibrium and on his return, he continues to work with his group mates.
His teacher has also taught his group mates to recognize and help him meet his needs. The absence of harsh scolding and punishment enabled a more amicable working environment for him and his classmates. He also learnt to understand the consequences that he has to bear when he responds impulsively and not take charge of his confused state of mind. There is no longer hostility but cooperation from him and his parents when he is disciplined, even with suspension, as he now sees it as a consequence of his inability to control his reactions.
Children must learn early in life that consequences follow choices and learn to think of consequences before they act. These children are less likely to get into trouble. They also learn to deal with the consequences that follow their actions. Many a time, they are punished sufficiently by the ill consequences that follow bad decision-making. They are less likely to repeat their poor decision-making, as they have gone through the processes which led to the ill consequences. The right thought processes enable children to execute problem-solving skills that lead to success, thus raising their self-esteem and reducing their tendency towards wrong choices.
What about toddlers as they do not have the vocabulary to explain an action or to understand a complex explanation? Let us fall back on research on children's language acquisition and brain development. Children acquire new information most actively between the ages of two and five. Although verbalisation commences in most children around the age of two years, the assimilation of new vocabulary and meaning starts from the time they are in their mother's womb. The association with pleasure or pain enhances learning. Why do some children give the reason for not doing something wrong as 'Mummy will beat me'? It stems from their toddler days when their mother will say 'No! Cannot! Mummy will beat!'
Let us consider Toddlers A and B, both of who whom are of the same age and from similar backgrounds. Both toddlers are brought near a kettle of boiling water. Toddler A's mother says, "No touching. No, no, or mummy will beat you!" Toddler B's mother brings his hand near the spout where he feels the hot steam and says, "Do you want to touch this? It's hot and you'll feel pain!" Toddler B will soon learn to connect the idea of fire, kettle and steam with heat and pain and will shy away from kettles on the boil. He will soon connect pain as a consequence of touching hot items. However, if Toddler A is no longer afraid of his mother's beating, he will soon learn to do things regardless of pending threats and punishment.
Likewise, some children will repeat an action when they know they will be rewarded. Praise for right actions and a pained look from a beloved adult for wrong actions go a longer way in disciplining children than mindless caning from a parent who has been overwhelmed with shame for having an errant son.
Doctor James Dobson, a famed American pyschologist, dares us to discipline with love. His book 'Dare to Discipline' is filled with fantastic ideas on disciplining children in a loving but firm manner and explains clearly why pain and ridicule used in punishing children leads to more long term damage.
Spare the rod and spoil the child? It is not advocated here that loving discipline dispels the use of the cane. Rather, caning should be administered only after a child has been counseled, and knows where he has gone wrong. Caning should also be administered after sufficient warning has been given and has been agreed upon between the child and the person administering the disciplining. Caning should also be administered in a calm manner and in privacy so that a child's esteem is not eroded. Caning is used as a form of discipline to get the child to associate pain with wrongdoing and so deter him from committing the offence again when he remembers the pain.
When we next raise the cane to a child's bottom, let us ask ourselves how well we are educating him in why his wrongdoing is unacceptable. Are we teaching the child that pain is the only thing we return for a wrong that is done unto us, and that there is forgiveness only when an eye has been paid for a damaged eye?