by Christine G.

Created on: December 13, 2008   Last Updated: July 27, 2009

Do you struggle endlessly to please others, and defer to their opinion because you are worried about how they will feel about you if you don't? When there is a problem between you and someone else, do you automatically take the blame?

Do you struggle with relentless guilt, even when you can't figure out what you did wrong? Are you afraid of being considered selfish if you presume to assert yourself?

Are you nebulous about what you want? Are other people's needs and desires more important to you than your own?

If these questions sound like a re-play of your life, you may have been raised by one or more narcissistic parents.

Narcissists defend themselves from their low self-esteem by trying to control others' views of them. They are self-absorbed, interpersonally rigid, and easily offended. Narcissists are champions at the blame game. They cannot see any way but their own, and have difficulty empathizing with others.

As parents, they are both excessively intrusive on one hand, and neglectful on the other, because everything is about them. Narcissistic parents insist on being the star of the show no matter what. In their eyes, their children exist solely for the purpose of servicing their parents' needs.

Children adapt to their parents by identification, compliance, or rebellion. If they identify with their parents, they copy what they do, internalize their opinions, and try to be like them. If they comply, they become a backdrop for their parents, make excuses for them, and take the blame for anything that is not perfect. If children choose to rebel, they attempt to prove their independence by doing the opposite to what their parents expect, without stopping to consider the damage that they are doing to themselves. All three adaptive styles trap the child into emotional dependence on the choices, attitudes, and experiences of others.

When children grow up and leave home, they may be determined to handle things differently from the way they played out in their childhood home. However, wherever they go and whatever they do, they must take themselves along, plus the baggage of all the behavior patterns they have learned. Without concrete, constructive changes, they will be depressed and anxious much of the time.

The primary challenge for the child of a narcissistic parents is to believe that s/he has intrinsic worth, apart from personal achievements or the opinions of others.

Where to start?

*Learn all you can. Reading this article, and the one recommended

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