by R. Colleen

Created on: December 12, 2008

Yup, marriage needs the added stress of pornography! Relationships are hard enough without dragging in a tool that, in my years of counseling women, does nothing more than add insecurity and fear. And it doesn't affect just women. Men are also believing the lie that pornography can "spice" things up. Research has indicated men may suffer from something called "porn-induced impotence" as they respond to the need for harder (no pun intended!) porn in order to even achieve an erection.

Based on interviews with men ranging from ages 24 to 75 (yes, 75!) indicate that visual stimulation to enhance a sexual experience is nothing new. How long has Playboy been around, anyway? The first "accidental" discovery by a young boy of his father's magazine ("It's the articles, honey!") is arousing but looking soon requires touching and clandestine masturbation leads to this boy-becoming-a-man reaching up a skirt or down the shirt of the girl he is dating, wondering if the real thing feels as good.

Make no mistake - it isn't all just innocent curiosity. Sexual fulfillment is a huge drive and, for those who routinely view pornography, the fulfillment becomes, well, less fulfilling and demands more and more stimulation.

Ask me about the women who sit across from me in counseling, ashamed, admitting that their husbands are involved in pornography. Somehow they think it is their fault. They question his fidelity. They doubt his love. A majority of these women have been asked by their spouses to view pornography with them, participate a little, feed the fantasies. And they do. For some, it gives them space to indulge in their own fantasies. For others it is a means to keep the man they think they are losing. But, in both cases, the shame and the guilt often brings them to me. They are too afraid to ask these questions of their husbands, so they ask me:

"Why am I not enough for him?"

"Who is he really thinking about?"

"If I don't go along with him, how will our marriage survive?"

"I sure don't look like those women. When is he going to want someone like them instead of me?"

Most men truly believe there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. They have been taught that "boys will be boys" and don't understand why it's a problem. Women, too, have justified pornography because "at least it keeps him home at night."

If men would honestly look into the face of the woman they married, they would see the hurt. They might recognize in her eyes the insecurity. They may even get a feel for her sense of not only displacement but REplacement.

They tell their wives they love them, that she is the only one for them. But it does very little good. Her only reassurance comes when she is absolutely certain there is no other woman (or women) in his mind as he makes love to her.

For you men who think you have her approval to watch other women, are you sure? For you women who think that if you let him watch what he wants you can keep him, has your approval removed the doubt in your heart?

But for the women who are okay allowing their men to watch pornography, I have one final question - Why?

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