There is no universal sign or cue to indicate when someone is in an abusive relationship. Domestic Violence is not something you can see from the outside. Sure there are red flags; behaviors and traits that might tip you off to troubles at home, sometimes. More often, however, abuse is invisible to those not involved in the situation; and those living with an abusive partner often work hard to hide the abuse. The reasons for this are as diverse as the survivors themselves.
Domestic violence is a problem of epidemic proportion. Current research by the National Violence Against Women Survey conducted by the National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention indicates that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Although women between the ages of 20 to 24 are at the greatest risk, partner abuse reaches across categories of race, class, education and identity. It can be found at all levels in all communities across the globe. In the US, one out of every three female homicide victims is killed by an intimate partner according to FBI statistics. The rates are lower for men, but staggering none the less. Those who have not been touched by domestic violence may ask themselves, who are these people? Who stays with someone violent after he or she has been abused? Considering the prevalence of domestic violence in our communities, the answer is, probably someone you know.
It is worth repeating, you often can't see abuse. Bruises can be hidden, or explained away. Abnormal behaviors are often justified with a seemingly reasonable response. Until a victim is ready to leave and seek help he or she will not feel comfortable disclosing the abuse to his or her friends or family. She or he may not be ready to acknowledge that what is happening is in fact abuse, feeling that the violence "isn't that bad" or justifying the behavior as an occasional thing. Phrases like "He only hits me when he drinks." or "She wouldn't have thrown things if I had done the dishes when she asked." are common justifications used to mitigate and explain away the abuse. Many abuse victims are well aware of the cultural stigma attached to being in an abusive relationship and do not want to be seen as weak or stupid. She or he may even feel like there is more to fear from being found out than there is from his or her abuser.
So why stay? Again, the reasons are as diverse as the victims themselves. Abusive relationships are complex cycles of power and control that develop over time. Abusers tend to present well, with witty conversation and romantic gestures quick to win a partner's affections. The abuser may even come across as gentle and kind for months before ever actually raising his or her voice or lifting a finger. Abuse doesn't usually start with physical violence. Control can take the form of economic domination, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, harassment or any of a myriad of behaviors. Like the frog in the pot of gradually heated water, the victim acclimates to the escalating violence over time. By the time he or she realizes that the relationship has turned abusive the victim is usually already trapped.
At its very core abuse is about power and control. Abusers will restrict their partner's freedom and independence in a number of ways to prevent the partner from being able to escape the abusive situation. Often the abuser controls the flow of income into a household. The victim may be prevented from working by the abuser, or, his or her income may be in a joint account that monitored by the abuser. If the victim does not have a safe place to go, he or she may fear repercussions if he or she tries to leave. Abusers have been known to kick in doors, threaten neighbors or family members, and engage in other kinds of stalking behavior to intimidate victims attempting to break off their relationships. Even attempting to acquire a restraining order can be a lethal mistake in some cases. The most likely place for an abuser to kill a victim is while he or she is in transit to the court house. Fear and resources play a big role in when someone in able to leave an abusive relationship and how long he or she may be able to successfully stay independent. On average victims of domestic violence will return to their partners up to seven times before becoming fully independent.
There is an emotional element that holds some victims to their relationships as well. The idea that the abuser will make a change for the better can be very powerful. Abusers are often apologetic and sweet when they are not abusive and victims want to believe the best of their partners. This is someone he or she has developed strong feelings for, even loves. The victim may have children with the abuser and want to allow him or her access to them. The victim may feel pressure from friends and family to forgive the past and give the abuser a chance to change. If the abuser is willing to undergo rehabilitation classes and work towards healthier behavior this may even be possible. Every situation is unique.
The only way to really understand a victim of abuse is to get to know him or her as an individual. If you know someone in an abusive relationship the best way to let him or her know you are willing to help is to listen without judgment. Let the victim know you are a resource when and if he or she is ready to take action.