by Joy Mosenfelder

Created on: December 12, 2008   Last Updated: December 30, 2008

There is no universal sign or cue to indicate when someone is in an abusive relationship. Domestic Violence is not something you can see from the outside. Sure there are red flags; behaviors and traits that might tip you off to troubles at home, sometimes. More often, however, abuse is invisible to those not involved in the situation; and those living with an abusive partner often work hard to hide the abuse. The reasons for this are as diverse as the survivors themselves.

Domestic violence is a problem of epidemic proportion. Current research by the National Violence Against Women Survey conducted by the National Institute of Justice and the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention indicates that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Although women between the ages of 20 to 24 are at the greatest risk, partner abuse reaches across categories of race, class, education and identity. It can be found at all levels in all communities across the globe. In the US, one out of every three female homicide victims is killed by an intimate partner according to FBI statistics. The rates are lower for men, but staggering none the less. Those who have not been touched by domestic violence may ask themselves, who are these people? Who stays with someone violent after he or she has been abused? Considering the prevalence of domestic violence in our communities, the answer is, probably someone you know.

It is worth repeating, you often can't see abuse. Bruises can be hidden, or explained away. Abnormal behaviors are often justified with a seemingly reasonable response. Until a victim is ready to leave and seek help he or she will not feel comfortable disclosing the abuse to his or her friends or family. She or he may not be ready to acknowledge that what is happening is in fact abuse, feeling that the violence "isn't that bad" or justifying the behavior as an occasional thing. Phrases like "He only hits me when he drinks." or "She wouldn't have thrown things if I had done the dishes when she asked." are common justifications used to mitigate and explain away the abuse. Many abuse victims are well aware of the cultural stigma attached to being in an abusive relationship and do not want to be seen as weak or stupid. She or he may even feel like there is more to fear from being found out than there is from his or her abuser.

So why stay? Again, the reasons are as diverse as the victims themselves. Abusive relationships are complex cycles of power

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