Scene: Four carolers make their way door to door
around a cul de sac in an upscale neighborhood.
The four merrymakers are comprised of two married couples,
MARY ANNE and EDWARD
GILMARTIN with KAYE
and STUART CLEVENGER. The group all wear matching
Christmas sweaters, red for the ladies and green
for the men, and they all have donned Santa hats.
They also carry leather bound folders with sheet
music. They are full of Christmas cheer. Or so
they appear.
MARY ANNE:
Well that sounded just wonderful. This is so much fun!
KAYE:
Oh yes! A smaller group can sometimes sound so much
better.
STUART:
I liked our group last year, Kaye.
KAYE:
Oh, Stuart. You just liked drinking a few cocktails
beforehand with Todd Crane. And from what I heard...
since his divorce last summer, he is a complete mess. I
don't think we needed to invite him this year.
EDWARD:
Maybe he needed us more!
MARY ANNE:
What? What did you say, Honey?
EDWARD:
Nothing, Dear!
KAYE:
You know she left him the house and she moved back home
with her parents until they could settle the support
issue. I think he is to pay her... and the kids, of
course... over $7,000 a month.
EDWARD:
That would get me drinking more...
MARY ANNE:
What did you say, Honey?
EDWARD:
Nothing, Dear!
STUART:
Edward said how happy he is to have you!
MARY ANNE:
Oh! I'll never leave! Not while Edward is sitting on
top of that huge retirement package. Right, Honey! Ha
ha ha! I'm just having fun!
KAYE:
That's not what he said at all! Oh, these men! They all
stick up for one another!
STUART:
OK! Here we are at the Van Brocklin's house! Are we
singing?
MARY ANNE:
Oh, yes! She has been sick and missed our entire
clothes drive this year.
EDWARD:
What? The garage sale?
MARY ANNE:
It was not a garage sale! We do not have garage sales
in this neighborhood. It was a clothes drive for
charity.
STUART:
Yeah, Edward! Last week, on my way home from work, I
went to one of those "Clothes drives". Down on 10th
street! I found this great fishing pole and tackle box
set, all for next to nothing. I'm thinking about...
MARY ANNE:
10th Street? The inner city? What in the blazes would
possess you to stop or even, more so, get out of your
car in neighborhood like that? Did you have a flat on
that Audi 90 turbo of yours? No Triple AAA? Ha ha ha
ha.
EDWARD:
Maybe he left something in the pocket of a coat donated
to the clothes drive and went looking to get it back.
MARY ANNE:
If he donated a coat, you can rest assured it never
made it down to the land of public schools and packaged
liquor! Yuck!
KAYE:
Don't listen to these two. They are just goading us.
They're probably acting this way because Celeste
Cranfill isn't with us this year.
STUART:
Where are the Cranfills this year?
EDWARD:
And where is Celeste!
KAYE:
Getting divorced, probably. He was laid off and offered
a lower paying salary. He's even thinking of moving
away, finding a smaller house and a different school
for the twins.
EDWARD:
The twins, huh?
STUART:
She certainly had some special twins!
KAYE:
Stuart! Get your mind out of the gutter!
MARY ANNE:
Oh, Kaye! Do what I do and pay no attention to them!
OK! Here we are at the Van Broklins. 2 verses of "God
Rest Ye" and finish off with "We Wish You a Merry
Christmas" But speed it up a bit. If Sue really has
been sick, I don't want to socialize too long.
STUART:
Socialize? I have spent more time at these homes trick
or treating!
MARY ANNE:
What? What did you say, Stuart!
KAYE:
Don't listen to him! He's still thinking about Celeste
Cranfill! What he should be thinking about is what he's
going to get when he gets home. And it won't be cookies
and milk, dear Santa Boy!
EDWARD:
Shhh! Later! I rang the bell! Here they come!
The group sings. As they finish, SUE and MITCH VAN
BROCKLIN stick their head out of the door.
SUE:
Thank you! Thank you so much!
MARY ANNE:
Well! You know we do this every year! And since you
have been sick this year, we especially wanted to make
a special effort in getting over to your house. And by
the looks of you, I can tell you must still be under
the weather. Are you feeling any better, Sue?
Long pause
SUE:
No, Mary Anne! I am feeling just fine!
MITCH:
So tell me, Folks! Why are there two groups out
caroling tonight?
STUART:
Two groups?
SUE:
Oh yes! We were just serenaded with some of the
loveliest voices you have ever heard in your life...
all than less than 15 minutes ago.
STUART:
There were two groups going out this year? But I
thought...
EDWARD:
Mary Anne! I thought you said no one was really
interested this year and...
SUE:
Oh they were interested! There must have been 7 or 8 of
them.
STUART:
Is it a group from outside the neighborhood?
MITCH:
I hope not! If that Celeste Cranfill ever moves out of
this neighborhood, I'm putting up a for sale sign the
very next day!
SUE:
Oh, Mitch! You are too funny! (To the others) He's got
some silly thing for that busty, blond Celeste
Cranfill. But your husbands should know all about that!
MARY ANNE:
No! They don't!
STUART:
Which way were they walking! We didn't walk past them.
We couldn't have!
SUE:
Oh they sing for awhile, maybe 2-3 songs and then they
have been going inside for some more 'Christmas Cheer',
if you know what I mean. And from what I've heard up
and down the block, it must be working... they sound
great!
MITCH:
Well! We'd like to invite you in, but we're just
sitting down for a late dinner. You understand! But can
I get you gentlemen anything? A beer to take for the
road?
SUE:
(To MARY ANNE) A Tylenol, perhaps?
MARY ANNE:
We are fine! Thank you! And...
EDWARD:
(Walking MARY ANNE away from the doorstep) Merry
Christmas!
The Van Brocklins close their front door.
MARY ANNE:
Why... of all the nerve!
EDWARD:
There are two groups out tonight? Honey! You said...
KAYE:
Let's just move on! Next door is the Reisman's, they're
Jewish so we can ignore that house!
MARY ANNE:
And did you see her? Sue Van Brocklin must have put on
10 pounds. The fatty!
EDWARD:
Wait! Wait a minute! What happened? 2 years ago there
were 10 of us carolers. Last year there were 12 of
us neighbors doing it.
STUART:
And now we are down to 4? I thought you said that no
one was interested this year!
KAYE:
Tell them. Mary Anne!
EDWARD:
Tell us what?
KAYE:
Tell them the truth!
STUART:
The truth?
MARY ANNE:
Oh, all right! No one was interested... in asking us to
carol with them again this year!
KAYE:
Go on!
MARY ANNE:
This all started at the Clothes Drive. I just mentioned
that it would be fun if we all wore matching sweaters
this year!
STUART:
Like these?
MARY ANNE:
I said I would look for the sweaters and when I found
them... I would tell them how much they would cost.
EDWARD:
And how much did they cost?
KAYE:
Well the cost wasn't in the sweater, but to have the
Santa... and the reindeer... and the Christmas wreath
and the Christmas Tree embroidered on!
STUART:
How much were these things?
MARY ANNE:
$225 each. Well my Christmas Tree one was $295 because
of the real gold around the edges.
EDWARD:
$300 sweaters? They must have thought we were nut!
STUART:
No wonder they didn't want us with them! They probably
thought we had gone insane.
KAYE:
We just wanted to look nice. We looked so shabby last
year!
STUART:
Carolers can look shabby! They use to sing for money
and food!
MARY ANNE:
Well! If that's the way you feel! Maybe we should all
just stop now and go back home. I just thought we would
feel more festive... and we would look more like a
group... if we all matched. But I guess I was wrong!
KAYE:
Let's just go home! I have lost the spirit for all of
this!
SUE VAN BROCKLIN STEPS OUT ON HER PORCH
SUE:
Hello! I just got a phone call! The others are over at
the Cranfills. They are taking a break. They said if
you want to join them, they would be happy for you to
stop by. Night!
MARY ANNE:
Never!
KAYE:
Not on your life!
EDWARD:
The easiest way to the Cranfills is cut over off of
Dell, right?
STUART:
I think so!
MARY ANNE:
You aren't seriously thinking about going over there?
KAYE:
Just to look at that Celeste Cranfill! Of all the
nerve!
EDWARD:
I'm dressed! I am ready to sing! I am in good spirits.
Why not!
STUART:
Sure! Why not? Let's go, Ed!
MARY ANNE:
Wait! Don't we even matter?
KAYE:
What about us?
EDWARD:
Look the season is bigger than any of this! Clothes
drives, garage sales, $300 sweaters...
KAYE:
$225
EDWARD:
...whatever! This was supposed to be a time to spread
good cheer and visit some people who have been very
nice to our kids and occasionally us when we deserve
it. Let's forget about Christmas pettiness and get
together for good cheer with our friends! Deal?
MARY ANNE:
OK!
KAYE:
Deal!
STUART:
Let's just cross Dell and we should be there in a
minute!
MARY ANNE:
(Confidentially to EDWARD) I can still keep the
sweater?
EDWARD:
For years... and years... and years... and years...
They all walk off to the song "Here We Come
A-Caroling"! The neighborhood then becomes
peacefully quiet again.