by Firoze Hirjikaka

Created on: December 12, 2008

My wife's mother passed away last Monday. She was 82 and died in her sleep, so from her point of view, she made a smooth transition into the afterlife. The funeral is now over; and her body has been consigned to the vultures in accordance with Zoroastrian tradition. My wife, Aban, and I are now officially in mourning.

The trouble is, I don't feel particularly sad and neither does my wife. Don't get me wrong. She was very attached to her mom. For the last four years of her life, the old lady needed constant medical attention; and her mind was only a faint shadow of its former agile avatar. We (Aban and I) voluntarily - and with only the faintest of heartburn contributed to the considerable cost of a full time health care worker. We visited her every Saturday and Aban made a valiant effort to engage her in conversation; although it was often a painstaking ordeal and, frankly, beyond my capabilities and patience. All in all, the old lady did not have much of a life. So when she slipped her mortal coil, it was probably as much of a relief for her as it was a mixed blessing for us. According to form, however, we were expected to be miserable or at least, act like it.

The prescribed format for mourning stipulates no playing of music, or switching on the television for at least 10 days; and preferably for a month. Then there are strictures against eating meat on certain days. Some bereaved families, who are really into it, encourage condolence visits. These are mind deadening affairs where relatives and friends show up with long faces; and the immediate family members of the deceased take an almost ghoulish delight in relating the circumstances of the loved one's death in excruciating detail.

This is the part that annoys me. Why should there be a prescribed format at all? In my opinion, grief is an intensely personal and private emotion. I don't need any religious tome, or priest, to tell me how I should mourn; and for how long. And what if I do feel like playing music before the tenth day? Will my mom in-law mind, or even care? Or will she be too preoccupied meeting long absent family members and adjusting to her new life in the spirit world. The only people who would object would be the neighbours, who would regard us as being heartless and devoid of feeling. How do they know how we feel?

Once again, at the risk of sounding heartless, I don't feel like mourning. More to the point, the daughter of the deceased after recovering from the initial shock, has not given in

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